Monday, January 31, 2005

Its amazing how many names or words we can come up with. Silly nicknames to self-made words. My mum came in the room and was saying "Bastardo is so irritating...." Bastardo refering to my dad. So used to this already. I often wonder what is ticking in my dad's mind. I never seem to know his emos. But somehow everytime when I look at him or rather when I look into his eyes. There is sadness. I cannot help to say this but "it is what you cause upon yourself to feel the way you are feeling...." If you know what I mean.

Anyway, becky darl came over to my house today. Her comp is horrid. Internet excess denied at her place. Poor girl. Her parents ought to get her a new comp. Anyway, thanks becks for companying me. Manda seems better. Things between her and him is sort of cleared up she thinks. Hopefully.

I have nothing much to tell today. Or perhaps maybe I'm just sleepy.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Thoughts in his mind 


My mummy is such a silly goose. Hee~....I love my mummy. I let her read my poetry and she came to me holding the paper and with slight tears and sniffles she said "so sadddd!"
Well, that's my mother.

Ever so,
Divine.
Emotional.
Peace minded.
Spiritual.
Compassionate.
Self-sacrificial.
Beyond words.
Undoubtfully beautiful.
Enchanting.
Inner circus.
Intellectual.
Artistic.
Faithful.
Enduring.
Alluring.
Captivating.
Yet there is sadness in her eyes.
I think I know why.

quote of the moment
"love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke"

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Bad poetry
I wish things were different
wishing is pointless I say
but yet I still have hopes
hopes on a wednesday
or maybe even on a friday
any other day
does it matter?
Frequent raw silence
the tolerable nonsense
withstanding patience
defining the moment
take it as a joke
or maybe not
whatever.
Simplicity before thee
but yet harder than it seems
take the time to ponder
cascade through the falls
find your peace within
feathers spread wide
like a peacock.
Tingle issues you must settle
sensitivity in the new age
never wrong feeling this way
sinful jokes ahead
human trials and errors
sorry is easy to say
sincerity is hard to detect.
Abominable possibilities
thought of ways
insecurities robs us
the ship is sailing
trying to heal and smooth
worth a shot
or is it not?
Thoughts in a poem
expressions define
the way the poet feels
alienated at times
but laughter says it all
she smiles momentarily
and looks into the eyes of you.

the way you are treating me.

Monday, January 24, 2005

I cant log on to msn. Wonder why? Oh well.

My close friend just told me she and her boyfriend is "taking a break". Poor girl, she is so forlorn and confused. What does "taking a break" exactly means? I told her to sort out her feelings and then decide on what she wants. Communication is of course important too but sometimes it is just so difficult to speak your mind. You fear that you might hurt the other person or you just cant seem to find the right words to say. Hopefully Alley Bar will cheer her up. Feel for her. She just looks so lost and fragile.

Today I bumped into a few friends. Met one of my used to be bestie longtime buddy. She is still as crazy as ever. She came back from Aussie. Also met my old tuition teacher. I miss him. Have you ever felt how sometimes you wanna reach out to someone. For a hug? Or even to comfort? But somehow you feel too shy or maybe just something is stopping you? I also met Mel. She hugged me like she havent seen me in years....thats nice. I like Mel. She is sucha a lovely person. Really. Almost perfect. Although I dont really know her very well but sometimes you dont need to know someone very well to tell their colours. Know what I mean? Sometimes if you feel at ease with a new person and somehow you just know that they are nice. Or the other way round, if for some reason you dont feel good around that person then maybe its best just not to be around them. BUT I could be wrong. I mean I'm just talking crap I guess. I dont know.

Read a friend's blog earlier. He was talking about how people misinterpret the stuff he does. Like helping a friend, people will think otherwise. Is there a motive involved etc....well society will always be society with people talking about people and gossips around. Another of my friend, sigh I feel for him. I seriously thought that as we grow older perhaps we will THINK before we SPEAK. But for some people that is not the case. A quiet guy he is, but yet gossips are heard behind his back. I seriously cannot stand tattletale freaks. Why cause harm to others when others doesnt cause harm to you. It proves that those people are really so bored in life that they have to create something out of nothing to have some freejoy entertainment in their lives. Do you even know the person well enough to JUDGE!? Why why why!? Why do people like to tell tales about another!? Does it mean that if I am a quiet person who minds my own business that I am "not a nice girl....etc..." some shit fuck shit fuck. Period. Quit petty gossips and false rumours. Honestly. Childish. BUT unless you know for real the person is some rapist or some sick pyscho are some hot-blooded person, then just talk to your friends about it like "hey better becareful of that person....I read in the news he is a rapist etc..." Aiya I dont know la. Crap. I am sure you are smart enough to know what you just read. Think about it. Stop it, OR at least TRY to stop.

As I was enjoying my ride home, the full moon looked so peaceful. Like a silver pillow against the velvet blue backdrop. Perfect. But in reality, the moon is not that round and it has craters on it. Holes. Holes which signifies imperfection. Imperfect like us. I know we are not perfect. But isnt that better? So we can all LEARN to try to be a better person. A more perfect person than before. Of course perfection is unreachable. But we can try. Learn from the past, learn from others, learn from yourself. I mean afterall we are our own worst critic.

quote of the moment
"Misfortune shows those who are not really friends."
Aristotle, Eudemian EthicsGreek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC - 322 BC)

Friday, January 21, 2005

Firstly, my mind is constantly thinking about my assignments. I dont even know where to start for my producing assignment....budget sheets, time plan etc....hopefully I dont suck at logistics. Secondly, I still havent done finish my editing. Damn. It is due next wednesday. Thirdly, I still havent finialise my logo idea for 3DMax. Oh well, guess I better think quick.

Anyway, met Ina, Fin, Man, Liang and Jeremy yesterday. Went to watch Alfie again....oh well it's an alright show la. Not much of a storyline if you ask me. In fact its not even a story! Its like a human documentry. Whatever. Man is soo funny! He kept imitating Taufiq (Singapore Idol) on how he acted in his music video. With his arms stretched out etc....hehz. Silly guy. Silly but nice. Jem brought us to this "rockish" kinda pub. Didnt quite like it so Ina and I decided to go somewhere else. On the way, met another two friends....Dom and Clara. Hee was quite nice bumping into them. They joined us later at Rouge. Ina and I walked like from Orchard Hotel all the way down to Centrepoint. Sheesh it took us about 18mins. I didnt know it was THAT long. I usually dont take note of the time. Poor nana....her bag was really heavy as well so she was glad when we finally got a place to sit. We both agreed that up along alleybar that stretch is a nice quiet place to walk....though its kinda pointless la cause there is nothing much there....hee stupid Liang tells me not to laugh so loud...hahaha I mean I really cannot help it! I cant control my laughter right! But then they say that they are used to it already....and Liang also says that my laughter has different pitches. Hehz....what a load of stupid things happend yesterday.

Reality check. Dom was also being frank to me yesterday, he was telling and talking to me about myself not being a decision maker etc....he said since last time I am still like that. He was saying "the ship has sailed" etc....wonder what he meant. He was also afraid that I would be angry with him for being so frank but I wasnt even angry or anything. I am glad that he is frank and honest with his opinions with me. At least he brings me back to earth as in keep me grounded. I am not living in some Lala Land anyways. Clara was looking great as usual....she's a doll. Ina is a close friend and really I have seen her blossomed into a fine lady.

Dream,I
beyond the shadows
lies the river
in between the neverland
prances around with sparks flying high
teardrops melts on her knuckles
among the murky river
where will she find peace
grasping for that touch
the irony mind plays
shades of purple and black
she hums a familiar tune
delicate clouds above
she jumps to reach
he catches.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

One scone and two glasses of water later....and my stomach is bloated. Oh my god. I seriously plan to drink as much water as I can each day now. Firstly it is a good anti-oxident and secondly it also can help to fill your stomach so you will not eat so much. Okie I'm talking crap. No it's not crap! It's the fact.

They say good things comes to an end. Hmm, well I believe its true. Someone was asking me whether I believe in everlasting love. I dont. Maybe I must have living proof then I might change my views. Or perhaps it only happens in the movies. Everlasting means forever. And forever means that we acquire immortality. How can we get it? We can't. Even when we love each other, we die sooner or later. I dont want to hear sayings like "we still have each other in our hearts...." I mean yes in our hearts but do we dont even know what is the afterlife for us. Hmm, actually I dont know what I'm talking about again. Doesnt matter.

Sometimes I admire and secretly wish I could more like so and so etc....know what I mean? But ultimately no point in wishing or hoping. We are what we are. No point in wishing or hoping to turn back time or to get things you cant get or be somebody you are not. Why be someone you are not? Just be yourself > so the saying goes. But sometimes it is not easy to be yourself. I have friends telling me "what happens if society will not like the real me?" Society judges every little things you do. Even if you are just admiring a pretty girl, others might say you are jealous. But indeed we are jealous. It is not easy being yourself....hmm....but isnt it HARDER to keep on putting a facade? Think about it. Even I myself tend to not express my emotions very often, but I am trying to be more expressive I guess? It is wrong or is it good to be expressive? I dont know. Someone tell me what is wrong and what is right. Sometimes being too expressive, people accuse you of being tactless etc. Then the other round, being less expressive, people will also accuse you of someone who is lack of emotions. So much contrary on such a simple topic. Acutally alot of topics there is irony involved. Logical contridiction?

Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be?

Obsession,
distraction,
misleading facts,
did I need to know that?
You told me that,
I said I was stress,
then I pondered for a while,
now I have to face the fact.

quote of the moment
"nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Came back a while ago. Went to meet a friend for dinner at holland v. Its been kinda along time since we went out. Used to go around Singapore with him and we like meeting at holland v, just to hangout. We were talking about he's past relationship or rather he's ex-girlfriend whom he calls he's best friend. Its a complicated issue I guess. I feel for him though. Ever felt like you want something and you know you can get it but yet you know you can't? Something like that? Oh well.

Yup. Mr Roger my 3Dmax teacher is funky. He is likable I guess. I mean he helps us but most of all he stands all the stoopid jokes my classmates and I make. On the topic of laughter, I always believe that if you cant laugh at yourself means you can never step out head front. I dont know how to explain but never mind.

I was listening to one song and it strucked me. Somehow everyone is changing and there is noone left is that is real. You get it? Even me. Talking in general. You dont know the truth anymore. You dont know what is reality. You dont know the right way to do things etc....I dont know what I am talking about but somehow I cant really express myself.

Anyway, my fugly pimples are coming out. My mum says my complexion is worse. Freak. Being a girl, a self-consience girl, you can't help to add to your stress box these small silly things. But then you just can't help it! Now I feel fugly.

I would love to read people's mind. Then I can read their thoughts.Feelings.Emotions. Then I can feel with them.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Omg....yesterday was a really funny day in school. Never laughed so hard till my eyes wanna pop out in a long time. Oodha makes me laugh so hard sometimes that at times we don't need to say anything funny to laugh. We just have to do some eye actions and we can burst out giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls.....omg "rachael, you're sooo schoolgirl!" Hehz....that sabby and rach lim is sucha a crazy duo. They make silly comments on how girly and schoolgirl I am! Hahhaha its stupid. Still remember they used to "Hey Mean Girl!" Hahhaha now come to think back of it, it is kinda hilarious la. I mean come on' ME....a mean girl!? Never! Hahhahahhah! Anyway yar as I was saying, yesterday we were laughing at Macs super hard. Fad was just crazy....she's just....she's just crazy. But certainly not as crazy as Lenny and Oodha who bodyslammed Benson! Bodyslammed him in the middle of the school's corridor! WoOo! Scandalous. (Nobody was hurt in this stunt) I was really touch at the documentry video.....Adel,Faj and Olc really worked so hard till Adel has a headache, Faj went crazy and Olc becoming stronger!? Hahhaha maybe he is the only strong person to carry the tables and chairs at the YEP room. Hehz....during avid lesson Mr Linus taught us extra. Luckily for that, now I feel a tad bit more better with the Avid program. Hahhaa it was kinda weird cause he kept looking at me while teaching. Or maybe perhaps cause I was asking alot of stupid questions.....hehz. Mr Linus is a notty man. Adel told me that he told her something about "that's how you roll your boyfriend's one"......they were talking about rolling the wires properly. Nasty mind Mr Linus.....! Faj and Kaili says I look like a mannequin! Omg...that is just plain freaky. Hahhaa and Faj was like staring at me and told me that its scary....hehz then I told Faj that she herself is making me scared! I mean I have to sleep alone with myself every night! Hahha talk about yourself being scared of your ownself! Stupid shit! I like Faj. She is some funny crap with a boombox inbuilt in her throat!

Lenny called Rach Lim "flaties". Faj is "Skanky Pants".
Shit. I miss Thailand. I miss Surin.
Crap. I miss it alot. Really alot.
Wanna go back there now.
I mean now.
Sigh.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Dont know why I feel
drifted
isolated
distant.

Are having cookies in your life really important?

I just need a few tasty cookies.

A few tasty cookies which needs me too.

I think we must make it known more.

I think we must show it more.

I think we must cherish.

I think we must.

You got me running back for more.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Thursday, January 06, 2005

I woke up like 3pm today....I know like "oh my goodness"! Well, last night I went to this club just to hangout with my close friends. I love them. It was freakin crowded on the dancefloor. But it wasnt that bad. I have seen packed before....seriously packed as in you cant move at all. Anyway, for me I feel dancing makes me a lil stress-free. Although sometimes there can be a few nice eye-candies around....hehz.

You know, being independent is a very important trait I learned. I mean you cannot always be with your friends and sometimes even though life's a mess you still have to pick yourself up with or without any help/warmth/comfort from your loved ones. Ultimately you yourself is in control of everything. Eg: I could escape this world by ending my life, but the question is am I willing to do so? Do I want to? Its easy to say but action speaks louder than words. I have heard a few of my friends talking about ending their life. I think they just say it "in the heat of the moment" or maybe they just feel really shitty. But then again, why die when God created Life? Life, the most precious gift (asides from Love). Just think about people who are dying because of accidents./illness. They want to fight to live on but yet some of us just want to give life away. That's completely not logical if you ask me. Hmm....or maybe unless you will feel happier if you are gone? Well, not that I havent thought about dying before, it certainly have crossed my mind when life gets shitty. But those are just small issues. Dont sweat the small stuff right?

I feel that people should show more appreciation towards your loved ones. Taking each other for granted. Hmm...that is a very common saying but yet people still dont practice it....or maybe we dont realise that we are doing so. We should make more effort to care and show love through actions. Sometimes people say "You know I care for you right." Then the other will say "But I dont see it. You dont show appreciation. Why do I feel like you care for others more?" Sometimes when someone says "Its okay." Is it really OKAY? Or are they just brushing their feelings aside and not mentioning how they really feel? Its really ironic when someone does not treat you well BUT yet you treat them like your good friend. And yet those friends who treat you like they care about you,love you, are there for you when you need them, you dont show much affection towards them. I too hope I have never taken anyone for granted. But I always make sure that I always let my love ones know how much I cherish them. Even if it's just by sending small msgs. My best friend and I know that even though we dont contact that often, we know we love each other and that she will always be in my heart.

For my friends.

"Once we met,then we were it,now grown up,memories still in my mind,forever you said,I smiled and hugged,you hugged and smiled,forever I said,enemies we will never be."

Okie enough of that stuff. My mind is constantly thinking about stuff like that. About life, the unknown, spiritual stuff etc....I find it really fascinating. I am gonna buy this book soon. Actually there are sOoo many books I wanna get. I wish I could buy the entire section of the metaphysical section of books at borders. Heck! In all the bookstores. I love reading them. So so interesting. I wonder what colour is my aura. That is something I really wanna know.

Monday, January 03, 2005

I often get deja vu. I find dreams is actually our subconscious life happening. About a year ago, cant remember exactly when, I got into a dream state where I really felt trapped. Sort of like Lucid Dreaming. I was lying on my bed and I couldnt move my body. My eyes were open and I felt my back was being hit by something. In my dream I remember vaguely, I was walking somewhere near an old house. I saw a cupid hovering around. I think it was sort of an "evil" cupid? Cause suddenly I felt like arrows constantly being shot onto my back. I was awake in my room and I could feel the arrows on my back. I was aware of what was happening but I could not move and when I tried to call my sister for help, nothing came out of my mouth. My voice could not be projected. I was kind of afraid but I did not really know what was happening. This type of Lucid Dreaming occured more than once for me.

WHAT IS LUCID DREAMING?
Lucid dreaming means dreaming while knowing that you are dreaming. Lucidity usually begins in the midst of a dream when the dreamer realizes that the experience is not occurring in physical reality, but is a dream. Often this realization is triggered by the dreamer noticing some impossible or unlikely occurrence in the dream, such as flying or meeting the deceased. Sometimes people become lucid without noticing any particular clue in the dream; they just suddenly realize they are in a dream. A minority of lucid dreams (according to the research of LaBerge and colleagues, about 10 percent) are the result of returning to REM (dreaming) sleep directly from an awakening with unbroken reflective consciousness.
The basic definition of lucid dreaming requires nothing more than becoming aware that you are dreaming. However, the quality of lucidity can vary greatly. When lucidity is at a high level, you are aware that everything experienced in the dream is occurring in your mind, that there is no real danger, and that you are asleep in bed and will awaken shortly. With low-level lucidity you may be aware to a certain extent that you are dreaming, perhaps enough to fly or alter what you are doing, but not enough to realize that the people are dream representations, or that you can suffer no physical damage, or that you are actually in bed.

This is just a rough idea for you to know what Lucid Dreaming is.

I chopped a little of my hair two days ago. Goodness the guy did not listen to me. I told him to cut this way but then he cut that way. I look funny now. Argh. Am I that hard to listen to? Maybe I'm too nice? Sometimes I am so sick of being nice and all. What is the point of being nice when others dont appreciate it? I really hate those fucked up people who dont give a damn about others. Especially people who are crude and totally out of their freaking minds. I honestly sometimes have no patience for people like them. Oh well, GOD is LOVE. So I must love too. Hehz, talk about me complaining. I AM a complain queen honestly. Sometimes it's little things which annoys me. For instance if people bumps against you AT LEAST say "excuse me" or "sorry". I totally find it annoying when they bump against you and just walk past. Hopefully I have never done that before. Maybe I did but I would say "sorry" at least. Okie okie, maybe I'm just in one of my complain moods today. Sheesh.

Gonna get a cuppa tea now and get on with my script.

Quote of the moment
"life's too short to hate."



Today was a not bad day. Hmm....aside from watching CNN and being sad cause of the Tsunami and all. Anyway, I met up with my best friend today. It has been a really long time since I met up with her. Miss her. I also met her new guy in her life. He's name is Kenny. He is a nice chap. So glad that she found someone who dotes on her. Although maybe they have their differences but then again you can never find someone perfectly perfect. Know what I mean? I updated her on my life and she updated me on her life. Honestly, I never met anyone close to perfection but if I had to choose one person, it would be my best friend. You could say I'm buyers but I dont care. When I met her, she gave me a roses. Sweet right? Only someone who really is so thoughtful and really close to you will do that just because. She says she thought she wanted to give me something to cheer me up. Hehz it sure did make me happier. Just going out with her makes me happy.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Well, it's 2005. Really fast time passes. Just like you take a bite of a chocolate and it's gone. Hehz, I know it's a weird comparison but oh well.

I reached home this morning at about 5am. I went to boom boom room last night with my poly friends to just pass time and enjoy the countdown. It was a pleasant outing. Had fun. Been thinking lately about quite a few stuff. Yesterday we also went out to help cheer my friend up....she had just broke up with her boyfriend of about 2 yrs. On New Year's Eve....sad isnt it? What a way to spend the New Year right? But although she initiated it, it still isnt easy to accept and sometimes you cannot help feeling guilty and emotions just takes over you.

I myself feel really sad and guilty as well. You see, there is this really genuine and nice guy who fancies me. He does really sweet and thoughtful things for me. But somehow my feelings are just not growing for him. I told him the truth but he says he will not give up so easily. He is such a nice person that I feel bad for him. Worse is that I am a soft-hearted person, I just hope that he will find someone who really appreciates and reciprocates his feelings. I even tried to let myself feel for him but my heart was just somewhere else. You know that feeling?

2004 has been a difficult year for everyone. Especially with all the disasters. I really pray that 2005 will bring new hopes and new light to all those who suffered. After the Tsunami disaster, I thought of something when I heard someone say that "God is trying to show that those terrorist can kill hundreds but I (GOD) can kill thousands!" When I heard that, it can be quite true. With all the terrorist attacks and killings, maybe this Tsunami disaster is a way that nature (god's doing?) is trying to show something. Do you know what I mean? Dont get me wrong, I am a catholic and am faithful to him. Just trying to show how powerful and sad God is at all the killings and suffering that is taking place. In the end, the innocent also suffers. In one of the countries, almost 3/4 of the tribe were wiped out from the Tsunami. Saddening.

My brain

To us aliens are scary, to them we are the scary ones

You found me :)

I think I laugh twice as loudly as you
I love scones and muffins
I love metaphysical stuffs
I love to travel
I love my job (at times)
And I love

Hmm....

Female
Scorpio
Producer

My favs

80 Breakfasts
Deviant art
Dreams
Emode

archives

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

August 2005

September 2005

October 2005

July 2006

July 2007

August 2007

September 2007

October 2007

November 2007

December 2007

February 2008