the secret is love

where to start

2008-02-05T17:41:00.000+08:00

Okay in a nutshell, I ended my relationship of 3 yrs. Bummer I know but what was I to do when someone doesnt show you love anymore...dosent reply your messages etc...

oh well, shit happens and life goes on. And besides, he seems to be doing fine and dandy without me so I dont loose anything...

Christmas 2007

2007-12-24T13:08:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas to you!

May god bless you and your family!

12 days to Christmas

2007-12-13T15:50:00.000+08:00

12 days to Christmas but somehow I feel something is amiss.

Dont read this if you dont wanna get bored...

Had a nice long talk with my friend/ friends the other day talking again about life's existence. You know me, always filled with questions probing in my mind. Sometimes all these questions be it personal or metaphysical totally consumes me and drains me. Being emotionally worrying is very tiring.

Found out something from a certain someone's past and it's constantly replaying in my mind. But slowly I am forgetting it day by day. Sometimes it's better not to know things or find out things which will in return cause you pain and hurt. I learnt that from experience. Many a times, I find myself thinking about life's outcome. What is it that we all are living for? I always believe that we are all here to Love. But in reality, life is about work. We are slaving almost 80% of our time at work and that leaves us that little time to love. Dont tell me it's a choice you take or the way your mentality thinks. Because it is TRUE. Work is our life. Yes there comes after work, which is social/ love life. But still, does that percentage overshines your life at work?

Love, faith and hope are all those principles which I am taught at Church and it does give me a brighter outlook in life. But sometimes when the crunch time comes, I always ask myself "Is it so hard just to love?" Obviously, some people do think so. I've heard of so many stories about humans being mean and treating others with disrespect. Why so? I wont say I'm any better. But I do learn and try to be better with myself. When you argue with your loved one, we automatically think of mean things to say, that's human err. I cant deny that.

My friend always tell me, you're born into this world with nothing and you'll leave this world with nothing. Why do humans have the urge to want more....more money...more material stuff...more girlfriends/ boyfriends....more this...more that...! I am guilty too, esp when it comes to shopping. Why do we have such a smart brain that we can be so cunning...have all these emotions which overwhelms me at times.

Why? Because god gave us FREEWILL....

2007-11-26T12:43:00.001+08:00

An old poem I wrote a long time ago. I thought it should resurface soon.

Bad poetry
I wish things were different
wishing is pointless I say
but yet I still have hopes
hopes on a wednesday
or maybe even on a friday
any other day
does it matter?
Frequent raw silence
the tolerable nonsense
withstanding patience
defining the moment
take it as a joke
or maybe not
whatever.
Simplicity before thee
but yet harder than it seems
take the time to ponder
cascade through the falls
find your peace within
feathers spread wide
like a peacock.
Tingle issues you must settle
sensitivity in the new age
never wrong feeling this way
sinful jokes ahead
human trials and errors
sorry is easy to say
sincerity is hard to detect.
Abominable possibilities
thought of ways
insecurities robs us
the ship is sailing
trying to heal and smooth
worth a shot
or is it not?
Thoughts in a poem
expressions define
the way the poet feels
alienated at times
but laughter says it all
she smiles momentarily
and looks into the eyes of you.

schoolhouse rocks mtv shoot

2007-11-26T12:27:00.000+08:00

Behind the scenes: Schoolhouse rocks mtv shoot

It was a hot and tiring day for everyone but it ended on a peaceful note. :)

2007-11-22T14:23:00.000+08:00

I feel taken for granted. I dont know. I dont know what to think anymore. I just want to feel like I felt before and not feel the way I'm feeling for the past one year or so. Why cant couples treat each other like the 1st day they met, dont tell me it's not possible because I know it is! Its up to you whether you want to work on it or not....I regret saying "it's honeymoon blah blah blah..." its all crap, dull plain crap.

dont mind me, just venting out.....

On the other hand, work is getting busy again. It's that time of the year, Christmas is coming which mean school holidays and special program line-ups for our channel. And this time, I'm in charge of Christmas. I have ideas in my minding flowing around but due to our channel's lack of budget and time, how to execute!?? DAMN. I want my ideas on TV!

Anyway, have a major shoot this sat. Filming an MTV for one of our local productions. It's gonna be one long day and there will definatly be some tantrums thrown. I mean imagine 20 kids and a bunch of men (crew) and of course 3 girly producers....:) ahem* actually not very girly when its production time.

Will post pictures of the shoot next week, mean time, gotta get back to my edit!

2007-11-15T15:54:00.001+08:00

Anyone wanna win an Xbox? Watch Kids Central to find out how....

So this and last week has been pretty alright. Attending Promex yesterday @ the Arts House. Goodiebag was not bad, had alot of cool showreels and stuff. And of course the usual free stuff from channel 5 like desperate housewives tissue paper etc...what a waste of money to mass produce.

Met Geoff Calnan, trailer producer who edits hollywood movies. The first talk was pretty awesome. Told us about this 28 yr old editor who edited the trailer for Die Hard and he talked about how that guy now is pretty rich and is always playing computer games etc. First thing I thought was this stuff aint ever gonna happen in Singapore. Who is so lucky to earn big bucks in the TV industry for a full time job just by editing or executing a big campaign?

That's why sometimes, doing freelance earns you more but obviously you know the drills...pay comes late, not many assignments etc...

And I hear all these complaints about working long hours and shit. Well it's like that, no choice, you gotta do whatever it takes to get the job done. And trust me, it's never nice to be alone in the office at 2am in the morning.

esp when you have a wild imagination....

2007-11-15T15:47:00.000+08:00

Zulk just bribed me with chocolates cause he made me upset.

2007-10-28T04:35:00.001+08:00

what's life? Are we all just here to slave away at work and die later? Honestly, what are we living for? Yes you can say that we should appreciate our lives etc...but then why are we working so hard to achieve happiness? Working hard = money = stability = happiness OR love = happiness. Its fairly simple. I don't earn much but if my love life is great, you can call me the happiest girl on earth. I don't ask for much, I just want to be loved like I love....

I'm a lil sentimental today, perhaps it's because a close friend of mine just lost her dad. First was a heart attack then the result was respiratory failure. You know heart attack is the worse. It can happen to anybody young or old, even the healthiest person on earth stands a chance in this heart game. You'll never know when it may strike. It's scary just thinking about it. Because heart attack is so sudden, it will be even worse for the victim's family. My heart really feels the pain of my friend and her family. When it comes to death, nothing can be done, no words can confort, no touch can heal....all we can do is just be there for here, let her know our presence is there with her.

My life is so monotonous everyday. Why do we do that? Why do we get up to go to work? Why do we see this need to compete. The urge of not failing. Is failure really that bad? I am starting to really detest life.

I'm tired, I'm gonna go to my bed.

to be cont.

2007-10-21T14:20:00.000+08:00

Yesterday went timbre with the usual again. This time round it wasnt that fun. Perhaps the band was pretty fast and didnt sing much. Boo. They looked like they were more interested in the girls at the side who were having a fun time with each other. Oh well, we may not go next week.

Anyway, the weekend was pretty well-spent I guess. Went zouk on friday night, had free passes to singapore fashion week. Partied for a while then headed home. But I spent ALOT recently! Sheez, I gotta really focus and start saving man. If not when I really need the money, I wont have any.

Ray and adel are so sweet to each other. Seriously. If most men are like adel's guy, girls out there wont have frequent heartbreaks.

silence is precious

2007-10-15T21:36:00.000+08:00

Silence is precious.

Enjoy every moment of it.

Hard to attain.

Scared to absorb.

Peace when at it.

2007-10-15T21:14:00.000+08:00

Alright so the weekend was pretty fun and not to mention expensive but it was worth it.

Caught up with the girls at clarke quay. After walking rounds, we decided to head down to hooters. The calamari was delicious. I had problems walking for the past few days cause me yes clumsy spastic me trip over a drain and fell. The result is a minor twist in my ankle, major swollen bruise on my left leg and generic bruises on my right knee. But the thing is, I am like so used to getting scars and bruises that it doesn't really bother me as much. Most to most is don't wear skirt lor. Sheesh.

And saturday my colleagues and I headed over to timbre @ substation. Sort of a farewell chill session with my senior producer cause she's leaving us....*sobs* I like her alot, she's da best. She backs you up and not stabs you in the back. Trust me, politics is everywhere. There is no escaping. So it's best to me like ME! Act dumb. Ignorance is bliss really.

Anyway, timbre is one of my fav place to go. Be it when I'm feeling down or when I'm happy.
The one at the arts house is more chichi but still not bad la. But substation is the best if you like outdoors and like to soak in the laid back atmosphere. Not to mention *ahem* cuties. (My timbre khaki should know who I'm refering too)

ANYWAY, so yeah it's like I wanna say something but this is a public blog anyway so you gotta be careful of what you type. Don't wanna offend anyone. Just put it this way, I hope. Yup I hope.

What's life without a little hope.

2007-09-25T17:36:00.000+08:00

Okie so holland is off cause there are better things to do. Thats fine by me.

Anyone watched the L word b4? Shane is hot. She looks even hotter than some guys.

Hot. Enough said.

misses and such

2007-09-13T12:59:00.000+08:00

misses and such

misses and mistakes
longing for time to rewind
unfortunate incidents
make me miss those times

on going times
the scent of misses lingers
each time I say goodbye
feelings of bitter blue

but hopes across the horizon
whispers in my ear
relinquish the heavy heart
and move on ahead

sunrise with you is never grey
memories will stay
closely as one
but misses will still be in my head

random entry

2007-09-10T17:02:00.000+08:00

It's been a year long working at Mediacorp, time passes real fast here with the workload and all. At times, it's really busy until you just wanna stop and think "Is this what life is all about?" etc....but lucky for me, my colleagues are great so that's a bonus. It's not easy finding a good working environment.

Anyway, I'm still comptemplating if I should make a trip to holland at year end.

1) Dont know if I can save enough cash
2) Dont know if I can take leave (my work is very unpredictable)
3) Dont know if his mom is confirm alright with me going over

But oh well, if I can go, I will just take it as a holiday for me! Planning to go Amsterdam maybe take the railway to Belgium or Barcelona or maybe even stop by Paris!

Pls pls pls, let me save enough money!!!!!

work is never done

2007-08-15T22:12:00.001+08:00

Okay so it's like 10:12pm and i still have loads of work here at mediacorp to get done. The FREAKING Ratatouille on-air promos are making me sick. I've seen the trailers again and again and again. I was really psyched about watching Ratatouille, now it just makes my stomach curl when someone mentions that name....

Sheesh....and I still have 4 trailers to cut by tonight since my voicer is coming in tomorrow morning. Not only that, my director just gave me a proposal to handle which is due on friday morning. Oh man! Anyone with any ideas on how to entice kids to watch tv pls holler and let me know aight!

So like I mentioned I was suppose to put up some of my bali pictures but I havent found the time to do so. So another time yeah.

I just ate cup noodles which I normally like to eat but tonight somehow it taste like plastic....probably i'm tired and I could do with a cup of hot chocolate from Starbucks....

And I am gonna be dead bored again over the weekend cause he is busy with his school work...oh man, I need a life! I wanna go travel again, most probably if he is gonna go back to holland at year-end, i'm probably going....take some time off to regain my sanity.

Life as a producer.

saggy and sad

2007-08-10T15:28:00.000+08:00

I woke up today and I did my usual routine. You know girly stuff, thinking of what clothes to wear etc....

I turned around and looked at the mirror as what I normally do but today is a different day.....
Apparently for some reason, I noticed that my butt has sagged down and is becoming really yucky! I dont know if the reason is because i'm using this stupid chilli lotion (apparently to tone and get rid of stretchmarks) but NO! It made my butt uglier and saggier and most of all my confidence went down to ZERO.

I feel like i'm turning 70 yrs old now.

BLAH! I hate you stupid fucking ugly scarred disgusting nonsense butt!

I'm thinking of a butt lift. Why cant I have a butt like the above? Confidence spoiler perfect pictures.

bali

2007-07-27T14:32:00.000+08:00

Memories of dmd.

Work is gonna pile up more because my creative supervisor is leaving. It's so so sad he's leaving but it's a blessing for him because he's leaving to become pastor. And that's beautiful.

On other matters, bali is just a few hours away. I hope the hotel is not as shacked as it looks on the net or maybe they will even upgrade my room to a cottage! (Wishful thinking) Oh well, there's still hope right? What's life without hope?

Cheers.
Be back soon with tales from bali :)

bali

2007-07-24T22:23:00.000+08:00

Friday then its goodbye spore and hello bali for 4 days :)

Anticipating but yet sad cause I know the days will past fast and it will soon become surreal to me and then it will fade into just a memory. But memories stay forever....

A polariod of jolie

2007-07-21T15:07:00.000+08:00

Did this sometime back on illustrator. Some people say she dont look like angelina jolie at all. But I dont really care. It may not be very well done in terms of details but it's my work and I kinda like it :)

off from work

2007-07-20T18:39:00.000+08:00

It looks kinda erm gross but its real delicious! Savory from the start to end :)

That was my girl's bday during may.

Shall post more during my free sparse time.

Cheers.

this is what I do when I have free time

2006-07-04T11:16:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how small issues can harm a relationship. I try my best to change and I know I did but somehow I feel it's not good enough for others. Am I really so horrid?

Anyway, yesterday the aircon man came to repair and unblock my aircon. Apparently there are some blockages in the aircon pipe that's what causing the leak. And I had some of my furniture re-arranged. It's good to re-arrange my room once in awhile. You will be surprise what you can find. Like a long-lost pen or that stack of paper you misplaced or that small rubberband which "accidentally" fell behind your cupboard and you just left there to rot. Haha and the amount of dust! Phew! Thank god the aircon men was kind enough to help me move around the furniture BUT my whole CD case dropped and in result my fav CD - the cover of USHER cracked! I was heartbroken but sigh, "accidents" happen. Haha! I was very greatful that the aircon man took time to help me already! He said I needed to re-arranged the furniture because my high bookshelf was blocking the ventalition from the aircon which causes it to leak easily. Well if they aircon men says so then you better listen!

This rotating cupboard is my fav thing in my room, it swivels 360 with a full length mirror behind! Every girls best friend! As you can see I love perfumes and lotions! Dont be decevied by the looks of this cupboard, it's damn heavy la! I was struggling to shift it from one side to another! I shifted it all by myself! The aircon man left already. In result, my arms and legs are aching now....this cupboard is from Ikea.

Another item from Ikea. This white cupboard is for anything. There is my yoga mat, several boxes and my sister's stuff.

Oh no! My USHER CD! Thank god the CD is still intact!

My small couch which most of the time is being occupied by my bags! There is never enough storage for bags and shoes! And the gift rachel lim bought me from aussie land! Thanks babe! My mom loves it too! Couch and white small table also from Ikea. What can I say? I'm a big fan!

My brown wardrobe and white cupboard which is filled with my clothes and bags! I got bored long time ago so I just pasted magazines onto the wardrobe. See that grey plastic bag? Those are cutie softie toys which I have absolutely no place to store them that's why there are still stuck inside there! The white cupboard is also one of my fav cupboard, also from Ikea.

fine

2005-10-21T17:11:00.000+08:00

Yup, my teeth are fine. Dr. Dentist did a temporary patch to it and now it looks like there is a chewing gum stucked on my tooth. I am getting used to it though. Anyway while Dr.Dentist was checking my teeth, he found another bad tooth. :(

Dr.Dentist patched that up too, luckily he said that this tooth was alright as long we patched it. But as for my more decayed tooth, he told me to wait about a month to see if I felt any nerve pain. If not, he would do a permanent patch for me or else I gotta go visit Dr.Surgeon already to do an operation to get the nerve out or something like that. Sigh.

Love makes you feel everything. That's why the statement "Love makes the world go round"....indeed it does. Round as in makes you happy and of course sad, angry and other emotions as well. Your emotions are endless. Ask yourself, do you love yourself? You know you cannot love until you start with yourself. Accept each other, embrace each other. Bad points and good points.

Anyway, back to my tooth, I thought I would eat less because it is not very convenient for me to chew. Dr.Dentist told me to only chew food on my left side. But sometimes I would forget and just happily munch on both sides! Sigh. Thought I would eat less, but looks like I still eat so much! OMG! Haha! And cheryl, I guess we are about on the same boat huh? But at least your teeth are healthy and it is your wisdom that has been extracted. But mine is that my teeth are decaying! Damn! So weird for a person like me who hardly eats sweets, hmm.....OPPsSs, *must be the tiramisu cakes*

back

2005-10-15T10:28:00.000+08:00

some people stay, some people go. some feelings stay, some feelings fade. nobody knows when it will happen. time will tell. we are just we. we cant foretell time. we cant escape from reality. often friends will say I am too realistic. well, is it wrong? I dont think so. I rather be a realist then someone who fades in their own dreams and in the end, they end up hurting only themselves. I have dreams too, big dreams and I wont give up on them. BUT I still am aware of things happening around me. You can never escape from something. The more you run, the more it will come back to you. The more you hide, the more you find it hard to escape.

Dreamers feel things very deeply and make it known to their partner if they're unhappy about something."Dreamers are very in tune with themselves," says May. "They often end up taking things too personally." The best lesson a dreamer can learn? Just because Realists dont tell you how much they care, dosen't mean they don't. It is a fact trait of being a realist. As for Realists out there, it wouldn't hurt to say "I love you" now and then.

- Taken from CLEO

Every trait have their good and bad points, I know I have ALOT of bad points. I always thought I was a good person with a drive to being perfect. Nobody can be perfect, but we can TRY to learn from others and change our bad points to be better. I have been always trying to be a more better person. Let me know if you have another point of view. I love a good debate. Anyway, these few months, I have hearing comments about myself from someone, I really didnt think I was as bad as that someone described. I am the type of person who will do the same back to you if you say or do something bad to me. That's if you are someone very close to me. For friends, its different, I dont know why. I just am different. Like you said, I treat them like VIPs. I cant help it. They are my friends, I mean need I explain more? I bet 70% of the congregation can agree that friends are treated better then their loved ones. It is always like that. Always have and always will be. Sometimes, people are unaware how they are like. I guess it is in my case. I never thought I had a bad attitude and etc....until someone tells you about it and you're stunned (well at least in my case). Ha.

Well well, everyone has to face reality.

dengue fever

2005-09-21T17:25:00.000+08:00

Quick check updates:

Yesh I have been missing. Why?

I just came back from 6 days at the hospital from DENGUE FEVER. Sigh, never did I expect me amighty rachie can be the target of the stupid ades mosquito who should be happily flying around somewhere right at this moment. Doctor says I should be resting but I cant keep still. My legs are covered with lovely red patches and my feet are like pre-mature babies' feet. So red! But I must say rather cute looking.

Sigh, these two weeks has been really a torture. The government ought to be paying US money for getting dengue fever. Honestly. Vomiting, headaches, terrible body aches, diarrhea and having low blood pressure.....not that my pressure was already not low enough but this made it worse. Right now, I can hardly walk, my feet so so painful I feel like I am walking on bones. I lost about 2kg (that's a good thing) hahha being a girl....GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS.....BUT I lost weight as well as my BOOBS! BUMMER! From the rate I am eating now, I probably put back twice the amount I lost in no time! Anyway I am given a weeks rest and i'm off to work next week again.

How I discovered it:

I was working as usual, my regular night shift when I really felt unwell. Shivering. My body could only adapt so much to the cold temp. When actually it wasnt cold at all! Anyway I told my boss I would make my way home after I was done with work. Pandy came to fetch me home and he noticed red spots growing on my neck. Seriously without him, I would probably faint somewhere and some men or (okie being sterotype) banglah would take me home to their families. Anyway to cut my adventure short, my whole body had a reaction to my high 40 degrees fever and started exploding in rash. Covering my whole body, I looked like a leopard cat who just came out from it's mother's womb. Anyway by the time I reached home it was about midnight, my mum sent me to the hospital and was admited in 2 days later when doctors finalised it was dengue.

BE SURE TO CHECK YOUR WATERS ETC...BLAH BLAH BLAH. DENGUE IS NO PLAY PLAY!

2005-08-04T15:22:00.000+08:00

Seems like this test is quite accurate about me. Or at least how I am feeling right now.

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (33%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (56%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion (60%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2005-07-27T16:34:00.000+08:00

Orient beauty

silly stuff

2005-07-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

Rachael! You are a stupid dumbster! Why did you have to bring home those tapes? In return, you had to rush out straight away from your lovely sleep, (didnt even managed to brush my teeth) and change into my jeans and top and blew $25 on cab to and fro your home to your work place in lavender. Why? Cause you were not suppose to bring home those tapes! The office wanted it back asap. Sigh. Anyway, after I went there to return the tapes, felt so silly cause I was going back there again later at night. Night shift you see.

And now, you are taking a short break typing this. Let's see, it's 11.18pm and you still have tapes after tapes to digitise. Not mentioning I still have to translate this china man's chinese to english, having to type out his chinese first then to english. Oh my goodness, it is harder then I thought. Half the time, I cant even make out what the china man is talking about. Bad chinese? Haha...more like ME being bad in that language.

Oh well, I better go and check on avid three now.

thoughts

2005-07-22T14:59:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night was bad
I wish so much not to hurt you
but it seems like whatever I do
makes me like a fool

Assumptions I feel
but you said that was not true
always feeling this way
I guess I have to change

Changes I said I have made
but it never seems to help
jokes and ridicule I shall stop
in order to share some thought

Loving and learning is essential
but sometimes I feel lost
lost in your web of feelings
unknowing what to feel

Some parts you hate
especially when I walk away
I dont do that to spite you
I just dont know what to do

I know I can be eccentric
at times I just lose it
losing my speech to silence
sorry for my nonsense

I never meant for anything
I never meant for anger
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you blue.

sleepy

2005-07-20T22:29:00.000+08:00

Today is the third day of work.

The feeling is funny. I dont have a proper place to sit. So sad. But it's okay.

Although it has only been three days but it sure feels so long already!

Let's see what I have been doing:

Monday - Helped my colleague with some digitising and helped to edit this audition sequence. Went to have lunch with them. Ate $2 wanton mee. Quite nice. Left the office about six plus.

Tuesday - Finished up the editing for the audition sequence and helped to export some still shots into JPEG. Ate roasted chicken rice for lunch. So-so.

Wednesday - Did logging the whole day. Have to log 8 tape lady boss gave from china. I never really done logging before because we always take time codes on the spot. More efficient like that. That is why my fingers were feeling a little strained after writing non-stop on the log sheet for about 6 hours. Ate fish & chips. Not that nice.

What have I learnt? Nothing. Nothing yet.

The train coming back home has been super duper pack! I was like "OMG!" literally. Everyone squeezes in and like everyone is jammed pack into an air tight container. Okay okay, maybe I am exaggerating a little, okay just think a No Doubt concert standing up. Got it?

Thinking

2005-07-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

I quote Darius rushes on one of his entries -
" When I'm down, I just tend to bury myself in work and sometimes seclude myself from the rest of you. I don't hate you guys. Please understand. =) I pray we won't and never will come to a point where we became so.. competitive with one another. I mean, a little competition is good, but not to a point where we start lying and hiding. I want friends, not colleagues. In case you didn't know, colleagues can be people where smiles and lunches are fake. Backstabs and lies are real. "

So sad but so true. I guess in reality, work is work. No matter how much you want to try to be genuine, your sincerity will not be taken into consideration. I guess why people say "Welcome to the Real world." I guess it is just how you depict it to be. Everyone has their differences. Best is to lead your life, love your loved/close ones and of course for me....love god.

failure to love

2005-07-17T14:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it is best just to carry on with your life and ignore unruly comments. Just mind your own business and do your part and your life actually will be less stressed. Why bother about such people when all you have to care and think about are the ones who really mean something to you like your loved and close ones. It is best just to do your work, mind your own and get the job done.

Ironically, my topic for my bible class today is "Failure To Love". I guess everything happens for a reason. I always trust in GOD and that he is always standing by me when times go tough. I always take every obstacle that comes along a way of GOD testing me and making me stronger. Like they say "what dosent kill you only makes you stronger". I live by that. BUT we are still humans. Emotions and feelings are always there. If you know what I mean. I believe if you are nice to people, then there is absolutely NO reason for them to be bad or gossip about you. If they do, then certainly you know what type of person they are. They may be jealous? Ha. That's what my mum always tells me when I was younger when my "ah-lian" friends used to be mean to me. My mum always seem to have a way with words.

I gotta go prepare my lesson. Talk about being a good teacher. I certainly dont think I am a good one. But I am trying my best. I really am.

life

2005-07-17T01:45:00.000+08:00

Time passes so fast. Attachment is just a day away. I cant wait to work and just do my best. I guess being away from school for a while is a good thing.

I have to make my feelings known. My presentation did not go well at all. In fact, it was horrible. One of the worst point in school during my life. Honestly, I have always been a good student. Getting average grades and doing my job. As the editor and soundman, I dubbed almost all the voices and made an effort to put it in the footage. In return, Mr James says it wasnt good. I did editing every day from 930am to 545pm. Effort was not recognise because it was not even completed on the day of the presentation.

Disappointed. Sigh. I feel lost and stabbed? I dont know whether it is the right word to use but that's how I am feeling. Firstly, I never wanted to be in the same group as my partner. He even asked if he could be put into another group in the beginning of FYPJ because it's not really a good idea to work with your partner. I do admit that we have quarrels and our personal feelings got into work, but never did I once not do my part as a soundman or crew member. Sometimes these feelings are inevitible. I understand that my group members feel uncomfortable when a couple is in the group but I hope you understand that we never wanted to be in the same group at all. I feel that group members should tell each other how they feel about a situation whether they are unhappy etc...and maybe a resolution can be done for the better of the group. I know this is pure work and they are just expressing how they feel, and maybe I am sensitive but I guess that I am being sensitive only because , you are close to me.

Shooting at Gotham Penthouse was actually more fun than other shoots. Probably because of the music and crowd. Rach L told me that we should both do well for our modules in order for our grades to improve. Well, I have been really trying my best each and every time. I guess I get so hungry sometimes that I really wanna do more that sometimes I just get to negative in my own thinking that I am doing nothing. I guess this bad character in me has to go. It is pissing people off.

I guess as we grow older people tend to mature. Hope I will mature more day by day. And before I know it, after my attachment, I may become a NEW woman! Argh, who am I kidding right?

Hypocrites. What do you think about them? Talking good to two sides then saying bad about another.

I always believe that you should help someone who needs help if you can do so. I have always tried to help people when I can, but where is my help when I need some? Where is the comfort that I want? Other than my confidant, where is the rest? Being misunderstood is a sad thing. Pandy should know best. Honestly. I am not saying this just because I am his partner. But honestly, how can someone talk so much crap about someone they dont really know well enough. That happened to me before. A bunch of students did some online poll thing about me about 6 yrs ago. Long time ago I know, but I will never ever forget it. They wanted people to vote for my friend and I cause we were unfriendly and unpretty etc...all the nasty things you can think of. Childish "friends" I have. They dont understand - "because you dont really smile dosent make you unfriendly" " because you stick to your same friends dosent make you proud". Honestly, I was really hurt and upset (to a 14 yr old teenager trying to fit in) at that point but thank GOD for my angel Becky, she has always stood by me and kinda told them off like I said above, "how can they talk crap about you if they hardly know you."

I guess in life you will meet all sorts of people. The ones who only shows their true emotions to their love ones and not their friends. The ones who are nice and pals with you but they turn around and talk about how you dislike them. The ones who are simply plain nice to everyone. The ones who are crazy and seem happy all the time but in fact they arent happy at all. The ones who get so sensitive over small issues because everythings around them matters alot to them. I could go on about so much more different people. It seems like sometimes being yourself isnt good enough anymore.

I wanna do my best get my diploma and do my best again at another path.

"two tails and a storyboard"

fucked up

2005-07-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

seriously feel fucked up today.
I have serious problems about myself I guess. I didnt know I was such a terror till now. Honestly. I didnt know I can be scary. I thought I was quite timid. Thought wrong.
I didnt know I can be quite a hand full till now. I didnt know that even my closest friends around me can fed up with me. What did I do wrong?

I must FUCKING change my FUCKED UP attitude. I hate myself.

20 mins ago. I cried. Why? I dont know.

Care? I doubt so. I feel clueless.

Guide me.

things unseen

2005-06-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

I am having jitters about my attachment. Bleargh...guess being on attachment, they ask you to do the laziest and stupidest job like buying food for the whole office? Hehz, shit stuff. But oh well, dont mind me, I am just born a complain queen.

Oh well, lets see. Filming was alrighty today. Although CCK has terrible traffic! The sound is just petrifying for a soundman ahem like myself....

PMS> Yes I guess my PMS is coming. I feel bloatedly fat, pimples are coming out and emotions are stale. Blah. I hate periods. *Sigh* Periods....the why they make you feel....

Anyway, families are important.

"to see behind the eyes in every person requires patience and compassion."

heaven

2005-06-17T22:52:00.000+08:00

I am as full as a piggy who just ate her lsat meal. Oh man. There is seriously something wrong with my stomach. Each time I eat a full meal at night, my stomach feels weird. Real weird. Sigh. I guess it is just "warning" me not to eat too much.

Anyway, I heard from a certain lecturer that I will be attached to this company called PicsTalk. Strange, cause I asked Peanuthead about it and he said that his boss wont even be in Singapore cause of some other commitment. I wonder where I will end up if PicsTalk does not need any attachment peeps.

Argh, my stomach is seriously sometimes spoiling my mood. Gross, its like there is sharp pain sometimes and like a baby dino is gonna burst out any moment.

I am right now waiting for 1130pm so I can go and shower....not that I cant shower now but I just like to have certain timings. Hee, I met Hui Xiang (love ya!) on the way with my Pandy just now. She wanted to pass him her short film disc so he can pass it to Rachel Lim. Hehe, she was with this certain guy....whom shall not be name? But he lives in a so-called labotorary (lame). We also bought Cheryl's present. Her birthday is on Monday and my Pandy's birthday is tomo! Which actually is 39 minutes away. I bought him this this and that. Yada yada yada....

"there comes a point where the light just fades but it is up to you to brighten it up again"

worst

2005-06-14T00:10:00.000+08:00

Today is one of the worst day of my life. Things suck. I suck. I suck alot.
I do things I am unaware of. I hurt people. Never intentionally. But yet feelings and emotions are hurt. Sorry.

I feel faint. Will you still catch me if I fall?

Do you still love me?

Will god still bless me?

"tears to fill an ocean"

sighs

2005-06-13T02:00:00.000+08:00

I do care I really do. I am sorry.

"love is unpredictable...wait for it"

that constant "thud"

2005-06-11T22:46:00.000+08:00

Its in my head. the headache has been there since god knows when. shake my head *once *twice and it is still there. cant stand long...*fainting spells...god i feel like a useless weakling.

I have attitude. A freaking sucky one. I am this way. I cant help it. People think I am nice. Trust me, I am not what people think I am. "Sweet sugary smiley sunshine girl". When I dont smile, "why you so moody?" HELLO!? People have moods. And I am announcing today that I have terrible swings....mood swings that is. Whoever sticks with me shall suffer! Freak! Did I make myself sound bad? No no...I am still nice, sweet, miss "everything is perfect suckup" rachie. But yet, sometimes and i mean sometimes i feel like shouting and being bad. I feel like turning around and running away. Shutting myself away. Alone. Solitude. I feel like slapping my face so hard it changes colour.

Skin. Different colour. The sun basking on my tan tan tan skin. Sun. Heat. Frolicking in my darkness of cover. Marks being created. Scars showing.

I dont know what this post is about but I feel weird. I feel sleepy even though I did sleep for about 8 hours. So what!? I am still sleepy! It does not matter how long you slept. The fact that you are still sleepy means you are sleepy. Wonder why people like to say "you sleep 8 hours not enough ah...!?" WHO CARES!? Who cares how long you sleep!? I can sleep for 20 hours but I still might be sleepy the next day!

Heated Conversations. Arguements. I am tired of it. Tired. Feelings cannot be controlled. I understand. But understanding is essential.

"away she walked. he did not express. emotions go unnoticed."

frightened

2005-05-30T22:39:00.000+08:00

I just saw two huge moths at YISHUN!!! The place where I live!! Kill me pls. Now.

One I saw while walking on the way home....and another huge one just outside my house!!!! I ran like a mad woman and closed all the windows and shouted "Mummy! Dont open the windows pls!"

"It may be just a moth or butterfly but it is my PHOBIA. Mottephobia."

stuffs and what not

2005-05-29T15:08:00.000+08:00

Cuppacinno from bali. Yum. Taste exactly like the hazelnut latte i love to drink at the BIG RED COUCH cafe at citylink. But when I passed by there yesterday, they closed it down and now TCC is taking over. Sigh....oh well....business calls I suppose.

Everything has been a blur and rush rush. Andy changed his producer to Hudha. Sorry rach but I think you should know why darling. Finally starhub has been done. Gonna burn it into a disc later and pass it to Mr James tomorrow. Oh man. One thing I know and upset about is that one month has gone to waste. Cause of the mishaps and the not-so-well planned out schedule. I guess it is not the FULL MOON but this month has definately been a not smooth one esp for andy. For me, I guess I can go through it pretty well cause I have been through worst scenerios other than this. When something is already so screwed up, what other bad stuff can go wrong? Unless you are talking about death than that is another issue.

Life never goes the way you want it. It is what you make out of it and whether you want to think of a more positive outlook or carry on dwelling in your own problems. I myself do dwell on self-pity at times but like I say people can change for the better. It takes time to change.

I cannot seem to get down on my script. Typed out 5 pages and I left it like that. Sigh Rachie get down to work....If not you will never be able to get out a good script!

"dews from the rain, smells of coffee lingers, orange glow from the candle, thumping of the speaker, whirls from the fan, flickering shadows - all presence at 'Rachie's'...."

2005-05-23T00:37:00.001+08:00

lynlyn and me

2005-05-23T00:37:00.000+08:00

Happy 20th meimei

2005-05-23T00:33:00.000+08:00

more fun for dove

Back at one to return to innocence

2005-05-22T23:44:00.000+08:00

I dont become moody on purpose. I just feel the way I do at times. I guess I been a little frowny these days. Dont ask me why, cause I really dont know why. I cant explain. Sometimes you just feel the way you do, no reason behind that.

I always have little serious talks with him....which in return makes one party (or both of us) being sad or feeling a little off. I dont do it on purpose. I dont frown on purpose. I just frown. I dont know why but I know I always frown. No wonder pimples are starting to pop out in between my eyebrows. Sheesh....oh well no more sweet things for me. I have been eating quite alot lately. I feel BIG. Maybe thats why I am moody. I feel ugly. Period.

Please dont doubt my care and concern I have towards you. Sometimes I dont show it out. I dont know why but no big reason behind that. Sometimes I feel so innocent and lost, I need you to help me along the way. Sometimes I just wanna break down and cry or sometimes I just wanna shout so much that my face will crunch till I become a beast. Emotional I am and always will be. Sometimes I want someone to slap me so hard across my face to wake me up from my fantasy. A fantasy of laughters and a field of frowns. The REAL rachie, pandy and my family sees it at times. My best friends? They have yet to see it. Or is rachie afraid to show her moody (at times) self to them? Maybe she is just being manja (or rather childish).

Rachie, always trying to change for the better. I have changed ALOT since my younger days (15 yrs around there). Now I am almost 20 yrs, I have seen quite alot I guess. Been through tough times, both financially, emotionally and spiritually. Again they say that I am BLESSED. I know I am. Blessed that I am alive and satisfied. What more can people ask for? The sufferings in the other end of the world...can it compare to a bad grade? No. The kids in terrible poverty...can it compare to us not able to drink coke on a hot day? No. But yet we (that includes ME) still complain and pout. Some traits cannot be change. Some things cannot be change. I myself cannot do much about it. Only pray. Prayer is powerful. It is. Although people talk "pray also nothing happens..." it shows how much you care about the beauty of patience and knowing that sometimes things may not appear as they seem. Like I say everything happens for a reason...be it good or bad.

Michael Jackson did so much to help. Children in poverty. He helped. Earth. He helped. Look at him now, being scrutinised by the public. I feel so much for him. I dont know what is right and what is wrong but I do know that he has a compassionate heart. Something which many of us lack.

.love.devotion.feelings.emotions.

.dontbeafraidtobeweak.

.returntoyourself.

sunday with a pinch of smiles

2005-05-16T00:50:00.000+08:00

I was late for mass today....I stood there like a cuckoo trying to find my friends in the crowd of church-goers. Me without my specs....like a baby bat trying to find it's mother.

Hehz...anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA! Love ya girl! We went to this jap restaurant called ATORI....I think...kinda nice and price ranges from $14.50 - $28. Anyway, while FI was driving there, we got kinda lost....so much for reading the street directory...I suck man. Thank god becky realised that it was the wrong section and we got to the place in a while.

I have been quite a happy girl lately. Everything has been okay....like a sea of white chocolate...at least that's what I call him...."white chocolate boy". Though when the weather gets damn hot, "I'm melting...." hee...just for fun.

Rach L, Andy and I went to visit the kids at ACM today. SO SO SO adorable and kinda ROWDY the kids. Although there were like only four of them, they are definately a hand full to handle. Nevertheless, cool fun and certainly entertaining to see how the kids behave. One girl was like "He kiss you and then she kiss you....you kiss three boys.....etc" sigh...kids...so young but yet so knowledgeble....OpPsS...is it the right word to use? Or maybe so young yet so horny....hahaa JUST KIDDING!

Need to catch up with my friends. I feel kinda lack of social activities. Or maybe it's just managing my time and putting in effort. Sigh...rachie rachie...excuses excuses.

"...the leaves rustled beneath the velvet sky, slowly he awaits for drops. Drops of love."

2005-05-11T00:41:00.000+08:00

help us with the dove campaign! hehz....

2005-05-10T02:02:00.000+08:00

hornyrach and me!

2005-05-10T01:57:00.000+08:00

my head looks bigger than my body

2005-05-10T01:56:00.000+08:00

Dha mama

loving him and much more

2005-05-09T22:46:00.000+08:00

Before I start, I know it has been DAMN and i mean DAMN long since I last blogged but....anyways....

People talk about others. They do. Could it be that they are jealous? Or could it be that they are lying about on-goings? I really could not care less. I know what I need to know. All I need to know is he loves me and I love him. Sorry to say that those people who dont believe in whatever or keeps on lying about him can jolly well run to the Qing Dynasty and bang their heads on the the ground.

Anyway, today horny rach and I taught each other dance secrets. Hehz....she taught me something to do with the ass. Dha could not really be bothered with us....hahahaa she did however taught us this funny actions with her feet in conjunction with her hands. Horny rach cant do that ass thing...sigh guess she has to "put her back into it"! Hee...Adel, hornyrach, dha and me took pictures together this afternooon....I am gonna develop the pictures and send it in to the DOVE advertisement competition thinging. Just for fun. I have fun with hornyrach and dha.

"barefooted, she pranced on the wooden planks. Awaiting for dawn, she speaks of love...."

Cant wait

2005-04-11T19:32:00.000+08:00

I cant wait till school ends. I cant wait till I get my own house. I cant wait till I can travel anywhere I want. I cant wait till I find that special one to settle down with. I cant wait to wake up in a big comfortable bed. I cant wait till I am successful. I cant wait when I start to not stress about the small things in life. I cant wait to go to hawaii. I cant wait for many things. I just cant.

out of my senses

2005-03-27T00:33:00.000+08:00

I cant concentrate. Thinking too much lately. I have been a real mood pain in the ass lately. Constantly frowning....sigh. I need to get work done.

intimidated

2005-03-17T00:10:00.000+08:00

i feel lost sometimes. i feel like so shit and like a lil dumb elephant. why is it that sometimes we spend so much on something to only feel bad about it when you see something else which is so much more nicer. feeling inferior. sigh, it is a feeling which we all cannot escape from.

done with my shooting. was pleased at first, but when i digitized it into the computer, found out that most of my colour suck and some scenes has no sound. shit. no shit. i am screwed. noone and nothing can make it better. sometimes when i am too concentrated on something, i forget the most lil important things.

went into a mini "scared" mood the other day. scared i couldnt get a good career. i dont know what i want to do. scared i cant get into any schools for a degree course. sigh.

rachie rachie, stop thinking too much and just work hard. alright alright i will.

constant frowns

2005-03-06T13:56:00.000+08:00

Feelings fade after time. Is that really true?

Anyway, been kinda tired lately. Yesterday's filming at my house was really fun. Thanks to my funkyfied crew and powa actors. My crew practically loves my mama's bed. With the soft mattress and cool air....who wouldnt want to lie down on it!? My grandaunt was really amusing yesterday too. We were getting ready to shoot and tape was rolling when she started coughing....the whole crew started laughing and we had to re-shoot again. It was fun.

Though, I feel weird and like guilty today. I was trying to charge the batteries the whole night to the morning but somehow the freakin batts could not charge up fully properly. Anyway, so I woke up again at 930am to pass the batts to my friend then I put my dog in the room and I forgot to let him out. I just went straight to sleep again. My aunt usually comes around 10am and my dog will bark so we will open the door for her but because of ME fu*king me forgot to let my dog out, my aunt was waiting outside for dont know how long. When the household awoke, everyone was anxious wondering where grandaunt was. We called her place, but they said she left in the early morning. Sigh, thank god my mom called her place again at about 1pm, she was back home. She says that she waited outside for bout 1/2 hour, and she thought we all went out, so she went back home. I am really so sorry kitty. I feel like shit. Imagine travelling all the way back again. And her place aint near from ours. And she aint young. Sorry.

News really travels fast. I am easily hurt. I am easily paraniod. I dont want to feel like that.

Yesterday Rach L told me that I'm very blessed. Nobody told me that before, but I am glad that she told me so. Now I realise that I am indeed blessed. Apart from the occasional frowns, it is a small thing compared to others less fortunate than me.

somehow

2005-02-25T20:05:00.000+08:00

Somehow I feel that there is more to that. Somehow I feel you still feel. Maybe I just like to think. I just think that its strange. Why dont you want to receive something so open and lovely towards you? I think I dont know what I am talking about.

I Rachie am really tired and sleepy today. Typing now but gotta meet Adel later. 3D max is making me disappointed. I suck at lightings. Mr Roger wants me to hand in a better version of my interior on monday. Gotta do something like "Multi-Res" or something. I cant think now.

Shot the siemens film today. God Rach L can be so silly hahhaa and Oodha was saying how the reflector can be used as a sarong wrap. Hahaa thanks to my "fanners". I was really perpetually sweating till my thighs were sticky....hehz....its a good thing Laurence is patient withus girls. Sabby was complaining about her nice shoes and Adel was nice enough to exchange her less nice shoes (slippers) hahaa in that way Sabby's shoes wont get wet in the potted plants....since she had to go funny positions to film us. Gosh the weather was really killing us. Every inch we make, our bodies infuse sweat drops. Hehz....so glad to have came home to bathe and be clean.

I really hope the guy I am gonna see later will be able to act for my short film. Seriously, I need a male lead who can act drunk and stuff too. Sigh....scouting is difficult. Adel and I went to scout for a few guys that day in our school and what do we get....!? "No..." "No too shy" and one more worst "No...for school project right" Adel was like "So feirce!" she pulled my hand and we left the guy. SOME guys can be so rude and ungentlemanly sometimes.

Eyes are closing. Damn gonna take a cab later to meet Adel. Having lazy and sleepy bones.

through the surface

2005-02-21T12:57:00.000+08:00

Do you think that God has a someone special for us? If so why are so many people left heartbroken so many times? So many times that some of them dont even wanna love anymore. Sad. Sometimes I wonder how we can be so cruel so inhuman that we discard how others feel. You know the saying "stick and stones will break your bones but words do no harm". Well, I totally disagree with that. Words can be even more hurting and cause an even deeper impact to the person. Nobody is innocent anymore. NEVER EVER judge a person cause looks really can be deceiving. Honestly. Sigh, I wish life is a dream. Enchanting and Alluring.

wishing life was a dream

random thoughts

2005-02-20T22:02:00.000+08:00

Why is shocking to see something? Maybe it's unexpected. Maybe they dont expect that we will be. Yet I am scared to admit. Why is that? I feel so trapped. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I just wanna go. But sometimes I wanna stay. I hate secrets. I think they suck. I hate people gossiping in front of me. I hate whispers. I hate how we get older but yet some people doesnt get wiser. Sometimes I feel so frowny. How is it that close friends can be just torn apart in just a snap? How is that sometimes people dont see our good intentions? Why is that sometimes we feel so distant to the our friends? Even the closer ones. How is that just a stupid arguement can spoil things? Emotions are fragile I guess. Why is it that I dont wanna let them know but yet I feel otherwise. How is it that people can talk so much about others and yet they dont take a look at themselves. Why is it that some people dont express what they feel but yet they backstab you. Hypocrites. I hate them. I really hate them. Hate. Hate them.

fun

2005-02-19T12:33:00.000+08:00

Oodha & Me during cine production!

sometimes i get emotional....

2005-02-17T13:12:00.000+08:00

Heck, what am I doing online when I have tons of work. Sheesh. Silly Rachie Boo.

Emotional _ Diana DerGarmo
Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy, but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

You say I'm just impossible
Totally unpredictable
I'm just a girl get use to it
No big deal
You can't change me why would you try?
I'm no angel but I can make you smile
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy, but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

Don't give up
I won't hurt you
Oh, sometimes I'm just a pain
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy but, sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel oh yeah
That's when I need you
Sometimes I get emotional

Valentine Boo

2005-02-14T23:17:00.000+08:00

Well, lets see what I did. Went out, was nice today and enjoyed company. Thanks.
Worried about work though. But then again, I can be such a worry wort at times. Nothing much to tell today. Just that I guess I am happily neutral about things.

My utmost prayers goes out to you.

kit

2005-02-06T22:20:00.000+08:00

Been going out with Ina the sotong <---- that's what I used to call her last time. One of my close friends....she used to be really blur but recently when I am out with her, it seems like I am the blur one! She says I suck at directions. Oh well, I guess I am just a forgetful person with a cuckoohead brain.

seeing red with Ina

I dont need alot of friends, just a few good ones who I cherish and whom cherish me.

why am I feeling this way

2005-02-03T13:12:00.000+08:00

I dont know why but I feel weird. Feeling sad perhaps? I miss you I guess.

My mum just gave a loud scream just now. Sort of venting her stress and anger towards "bastardo". Sigh....I dont know what to feel anymore. Tell me what to feel. She says she feel slightly better after screaming. Sometimes it is just little things which irks us. I realise that after a continuous habitual routine, people tend to take things for granted. And usually it always about us (the children) or money. I hate money. Why cant people just give and take. I really hate it. I wanna work so much but my mum doesnt want me to work late. She says if I go back to work it will add to her stress and worry box. I can take care of myself....I really can. As for my dad, I just sometimes wanna so much to hug him but maybe shy at times....hahaha so silly right!? Stupid idiotic Rachie. I love my mama.

My sister just came home, she was inspecting my eyes. She says why are they so off-white in colour. Asked me whether I've been smoking....hehz my sister is so silly. She is a nurse by the way....an excellent one in fact. Patient and loving. Unlike me, sometimes I wish so much to be more like her. Responsible and all that. I feel that I can be quite irresponsible at times. I love my sister. I love my brother too. I love my dad too too.

Listening to Usher right now. He makes me happy. Sounds retarded I know but I just listen to his CD and I feel happy I guess. Maroon 5 makes me happy too....and this other CD called "for the love of god".....its really nice.

Dha my close friend is also having some personal problems. Sigh....it hurts me to see her having problems. But it's these problems which makes us stronger both emotionally and physically. More emotionally actually.

quote of the moment
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."

unseen

2005-02-02T23:08:00.000+08:00

Dont know why but feeling very "things are boring" attitude today. Hmm....but meeting becks made me a little happy at least. I have decided to do something. Not going to mention what but I think I shall pursue it if I still have the same thoughts. I feel confused.

Anyway, two people had a arguement today. Okay I wouldnt say an arguement maybe more of a small tiff. Well, let's hope this small thing wont injure their relationship. Sometimes, you want so much to talk to someone but you dont dare or rather you dont have the chance to. Or maybe it's the ego. Ego. Stupid freaking ego.

When I came home, my mum again was talking about "bastardo". Sigh...everyday there will be something about him. Well, almost everyday. Mum said "bastardo" accused her of throwing away his laptop's speakers and said something hurtful to her. Something about "then where do you think it is? In my backside is it...." Aiya I find it so silly but true it's hurtful when your husband or whoever is being rude to you. But nevertheless, mum is used to it I guess. I gave her my grassjelly cooling ginger to make her happy.

Becks was telling me about kenny and her. On how she still feels a little insecure about kenny's past. About how she will be happy if kenny goes back with his ex. I told her she was being silly as she is the one who kenny is lucky to have. But then on the other hand, I told her that it is also natural to feel insecure and stuff. It shows that she feels for kenny and that her emos are still active. Rather than feeling nothing at all. Becks was saying in a way she and I are almost alike. Well that's quite true. We ARE both scorpios. Scorpios, on how they have a "dont really bother" about relationship issues. But actually they do bother. Just that they dont want to think about stuff making them worried when sometimes maybe they have other more important stuffs to worry about. I dont know. Maybe I'm talking crap like I always do. Think before reacting Rachie....sigh....yup. I just hope that people can be really sincere in what they do and dont do things or say things if they dont mean it. As for me, I am trying to.

not once

2005-01-31T01:08:00.000+08:00

Its amazing how many names or words we can come up with. Silly nicknames to self-made words. My mum came in the room and was saying "Bastardo is so irritating...." Bastardo refering to my dad. So used to this already. I often wonder what is ticking in my dad's mind. I never seem to know his emos. But somehow everytime when I look at him or rather when I look into his eyes. There is sadness. I cannot help to say this but "it is what you cause upon yourself to feel the way you are feeling...." If you know what I mean.

Anyway, becky darl came over to my house today. Her comp is horrid. Internet excess denied at her place. Poor girl. Her parents ought to get her a new comp. Anyway, thanks becks for companying me. Manda seems better. Things between her and him is sort of cleared up she thinks. Hopefully.

I have nothing much to tell today. Or perhaps maybe I'm just sleepy.

2005-01-27T13:50:00.000+08:00

Thoughts in his mind

so simple

2005-01-27T13:11:00.000+08:00

My mummy is such a silly goose. Hee~....I love my mummy. I let her read my poetry and she came to me holding the paper and with slight tears and sniffles she said "so sadddd!"
Well, that's my mother.

Ever so,
Divine.
Emotional.
Peace minded.
Spiritual.
Compassionate.
Self-sacrificial.
Beyond words.
Undoubtfully beautiful.
Enchanting.
Inner circus.
Intellectual.
Artistic.
Faithful.
Enduring.
Alluring.
Captivating.
Yet there is sadness in her eyes.
I think I know why.

quote of the moment
"love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke"

never treated before....

2005-01-26T22:54:00.000+08:00

think about it

2005-01-24T01:11:00.000+08:00

I cant log on to msn. Wonder why? Oh well.

My close friend just told me she and her boyfriend is "taking a break". Poor girl, she is so forlorn and confused. What does "taking a break" exactly means? I told her to sort out her feelings and then decide on what she wants. Communication is of course important too but sometimes it is just so difficult to speak your mind. You fear that you might hurt the other person or you just cant seem to find the right words to say. Hopefully Alley Bar will cheer her up. Feel for her. She just looks so lost and fragile.

Today I bumped into a few friends. Met one of my used to be bestie longtime buddy. She is still as crazy as ever. She came back from Aussie. Also met my old tuition teacher. I miss him. Have you ever felt how sometimes you wanna reach out to someone. For a hug? Or even to comfort? But somehow you feel too shy or maybe just something is stopping you? I also met Mel. She hugged me like she havent seen me in years....thats nice. I like Mel. She is sucha a lovely person. Really. Almost perfect. Although I dont really know her very well but sometimes you dont need to know someone very well to tell their colours. Know what I mean? Sometimes if you feel at ease with a new person and somehow you just know that they are nice. Or the other way round, if for some reason you dont feel good around that person then maybe its best just not to be around them. BUT I could be wrong. I mean I'm just talking crap I guess. I dont know.

Read a friend's blog earlier. He was talking about how people misinterpret the stuff he does. Like helping a friend, people will think otherwise. Is there a motive involved etc....well society will always be society with people talking about people and gossips around. Another of my friend, sigh I feel for him. I seriously thought that as we grow older perhaps we will THINK before we SPEAK. But for some people that is not the case. A quiet guy he is, but yet gossips are heard behind his back. I seriously cannot stand tattletale freaks. Why cause harm to others when others doesnt cause harm to you. It proves that those people are really so bored in life that they have to create something out of nothing to have some freejoy entertainment in their lives. Do you even know the person well enough to JUDGE!? Why why why!? Why do people like to tell tales about another!? Does it mean that if I am a quiet person who minds my own business that I am "not a nice girl....etc..." some shit fuck shit fuck. Period. Quit petty gossips and false rumours. Honestly. Childish. BUT unless you know for real the person is some rapist or some sick pyscho are some hot-blooded person, then just talk to your friends about it like "hey better becareful of that person....I read in the news he is a rapist etc..." Aiya I dont know la. Crap. I am sure you are smart enough to know what you just read. Think about it. Stop it, OR at least TRY to stop.

As I was enjoying my ride home, the full moon looked so peaceful. Like a silver pillow against the velvet blue backdrop. Perfect. But in reality, the moon is not that round and it has craters on it. Holes. Holes which signifies imperfection. Imperfect like us. I know we are not perfect. But isnt that better? So we can all LEARN to try to be a better person. A more perfect person than before. Of course perfection is unreachable. But we can try. Learn from the past, learn from others, learn from yourself. I mean afterall we are our own worst critic.

quote of the moment
"Misfortune shows those who are not really friends."
Aristotle, Eudemian EthicsGreek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC - 322 BC)

the mood dreams

2005-01-21T13:24:00.000+08:00

Firstly, my mind is constantly thinking about my assignments. I dont even know where to start for my producing assignment....budget sheets, time plan etc....hopefully I dont suck at logistics. Secondly, I still havent done finish my editing. Damn. It is due next wednesday. Thirdly, I still havent finialise my logo idea for 3DMax. Oh well, guess I better think quick.

Anyway, met Ina, Fin, Man, Liang and Jeremy yesterday. Went to watch Alfie again....oh well it's an alright show la. Not much of a storyline if you ask me. In fact its not even a story! Its like a human documentry. Whatever. Man is soo funny! He kept imitating Taufiq (Singapore Idol) on how he acted in his music video. With his arms stretched out etc....hehz. Silly guy. Silly but nice. Jem brought us to this "rockish" kinda pub. Didnt quite like it so Ina and I decided to go somewhere else. On the way, met another two friends....Dom and Clara. Hee was quite nice bumping into them. They joined us later at Rouge. Ina and I walked like from Orchard Hotel all the way down to Centrepoint. Sheesh it took us about 18mins. I didnt know it was THAT long. I usually dont take note of the time. Poor nana....her bag was really heavy as well so she was glad when we finally got a place to sit. We both agreed that up along alleybar that stretch is a nice quiet place to walk....though its kinda pointless la cause there is nothing much there....hee stupid Liang tells me not to laugh so loud...hahaha I mean I really cannot help it! I cant control my laughter right! But then they say that they are used to it already....and Liang also says that my laughter has different pitches. Hehz....what a load of stupid things happend yesterday.

Reality check. Dom was also being frank to me yesterday, he was telling and talking to me about myself not being a decision maker etc....he said since last time I am still like that. He was saying "the ship has sailed" etc....wonder what he meant. He was also afraid that I would be angry with him for being so frank but I wasnt even angry or anything. I am glad that he is frank and honest with his opinions with me. At least he brings me back to earth as in keep me grounded. I am not living in some Lala Land anyways. Clara was looking great as usual....she's a doll. Ina is a close friend and really I have seen her blossomed into a fine lady.

Dream,I
beyond the shadows
lies the river
in between the neverland
prances around with sparks flying high
teardrops melts on her knuckles
among the murky river
where will she find peace
grasping for that touch
the irony mind plays
shades of purple and black
she hums a familiar tune
delicate clouds above
she jumps to reach
he catches.

energies mixed

2005-01-19T10:52:00.000+08:00

One scone and two glasses of water later....and my stomach is bloated. Oh my god. I seriously plan to drink as much water as I can each day now. Firstly it is a good anti-oxident and secondly it also can help to fill your stomach so you will not eat so much. Okie I'm talking crap. No it's not crap! It's the fact.

They say good things comes to an end. Hmm, well I believe its true. Someone was asking me whether I believe in everlasting love. I dont. Maybe I must have living proof then I might change my views. Or perhaps it only happens in the movies. Everlasting means forever. And forever means that we acquire immortality. How can we get it? We can't. Even when we love each other, we die sooner or later. I dont want to hear sayings like "we still have each other in our hearts...." I mean yes in our hearts but do we dont even know what is the afterlife for us. Hmm, actually I dont know what I'm talking about again. Doesnt matter.

Sometimes I admire and secretly wish I could more like so and so etc....know what I mean? But ultimately no point in wishing or hoping. We are what we are. No point in wishing or hoping to turn back time or to get things you cant get or be somebody you are not. Why be someone you are not? Just be yourself > so the saying goes. But sometimes it is not easy to be yourself. I have friends telling me "what happens if society will not like the real me?" Society judges every little things you do. Even if you are just admiring a pretty girl, others might say you are jealous. But indeed we are jealous. It is not easy being yourself....hmm....but isnt it HARDER to keep on putting a facade? Think about it. Even I myself tend to not express my emotions very often, but I am trying to be more expressive I guess? It is wrong or is it good to be expressive? I dont know. Someone tell me what is wrong and what is right. Sometimes being too expressive, people accuse you of being tactless etc. Then the other round, being less expressive, people will also accuse you of someone who is lack of emotions. So much contrary on such a simple topic. Acutally alot of topics there is irony involved. Logical contridiction?

Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be?

Obsession,
distraction,
misleading facts,
did I need to know that?
You told me that,
I said I was stress,
then I pondered for a while,
now I have to face the fact.

quote of the moment
"nothing ventured, nothing gained."

unrare

2005-01-15T01:39:00.000+08:00

Came back a while ago. Went to meet a friend for dinner at holland v. Its been kinda along time since we went out. Used to go around Singapore with him and we like meeting at holland v, just to hangout. We were talking about he's past relationship or rather he's ex-girlfriend whom he calls he's best friend. Its a complicated issue I guess. I feel for him though. Ever felt like you want something and you know you can get it but yet you know you can't? Something like that? Oh well.

Yup. Mr Roger my 3Dmax teacher is funky. He is likable I guess. I mean he helps us but most of all he stands all the stoopid jokes my classmates and I make. On the topic of laughter, I always believe that if you cant laugh at yourself means you can never step out head front. I dont know how to explain but never mind.

I was listening to one song and it strucked me. Somehow everyone is changing and there is noone left is that is real. You get it? Even me. Talking in general. You dont know the truth anymore. You dont know what is reality. You dont know the right way to do things etc....I dont know what I am talking about but somehow I cant really express myself.

Anyway, my fugly pimples are coming out. My mum says my complexion is worse. Freak. Being a girl, a self-consience girl, you can't help to add to your stress box these small silly things. But then you just can't help it! Now I feel fugly.

I would love to read people's mind. Then I can read their thoughts.Feelings.Emotions. Then I can feel with them.

dOodOodOo

2005-01-13T13:39:00.000+08:00

Omg....yesterday was a really funny day in school. Never laughed so hard till my eyes wanna pop out in a long time. Oodha makes me laugh so hard sometimes that at times we don't need to say anything funny to laugh. We just have to do some eye actions and we can burst out giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls.....omg "rachael, you're sooo schoolgirl!" Hehz....that sabby and rach lim is sucha a crazy duo. They make silly comments on how girly and schoolgirl I am! Hahhaha its stupid. Still remember they used to "Hey Mean Girl!" Hahhaha now come to think back of it, it is kinda hilarious la. I mean come on' ME....a mean girl!? Never! Hahhahahhah! Anyway yar as I was saying, yesterday we were laughing at Macs super hard. Fad was just crazy....she's just....she's just crazy. But certainly not as crazy as Lenny and Oodha who bodyslammed Benson! Bodyslammed him in the middle of the school's corridor! WoOo! Scandalous. (Nobody was hurt in this stunt) I was really touch at the documentry video.....Adel,Faj and Olc really worked so hard till Adel has a headache, Faj went crazy and Olc becoming stronger!? Hahhaha maybe he is the only strong person to carry the tables and chairs at the YEP room. Hehz....during avid lesson Mr Linus taught us extra. Luckily for that, now I feel a tad bit more better with the Avid program. Hahhaa it was kinda weird cause he kept looking at me while teaching. Or maybe perhaps cause I was asking alot of stupid questions.....hehz. Mr Linus is a notty man. Adel told me that he told her something about "that's how you roll your boyfriend's one"......they were talking about rolling the wires properly. Nasty mind Mr Linus.....! Faj and Kaili says I look like a mannequin! Omg...that is just plain freaky. Hahhaa and Faj was like staring at me and told me that its scary....hehz then I told Faj that she herself is making me scared! I mean I have to sleep alone with myself every night! Hahha talk about yourself being scared of your ownself! Stupid shit! I like Faj. She is some funny crap with a boombox inbuilt in her throat!

Lenny called Rach Lim "flaties". Faj is "Skanky Pants".
Shit. I miss Thailand. I miss Surin.
Crap. I miss it alot. Really alot.
Wanna go back there now.
I mean now.
Sigh.

dont know why

2005-01-11T18:17:00.000+08:00

Dont know why I feel
drifted
isolated
distant.

Are having cookies in your life really important?

I just need a few tasty cookies.

A few tasty cookies which needs me too.

I think we must make it known more.

I think we must show it more.

I think we must cherish.

I think we must.

You got me running back for more.

alittlepieceofme

2005-01-09T17:15:00.000+08:00

Untitled

How humble are they whom seek shelter in these houses?
For beyond the world, living in solitude and despair.
Accepting the harshness of life, facing the challenges today.
They will never leave their caves, knowing what they may face.
Living in today's tempo district, all over again.

iclouds

Beyond the clouds,

may be a pink sunset,

and beyond that pink sunset,

may be a little bird learning its first flight,

and beyond that little bird,

may be the rain,

and beyond that rain,

lies a rainbow so splendid that you just have to stay.

Wondering

True beauty is not in the picture.

It is inside the soul of the picture.

What went on?

What does she do?

Her heart is so pure.

Yet she is filled with sadness.

Living in the corrupted nutshell.

Everyone just stares at her.

Secret stolen from deep inside.

She smiles.

She Dazed

Dazed,

she awaits.

Till night falls,

she is still.

Wanting and needing,

he can't be found.

Her breath is slow,

he arrives.

Her hand touches the tip,

he walks towards.

She falls,

he catches.

dont sweat the small stuff

2005-01-06T16:59:00.000+08:00

I woke up like 3pm today....I know like "oh my goodness"! Well, last night I went to this club just to hangout with my close friends. I love them. It was freakin crowded on the dancefloor. But it wasnt that bad. I have seen packed before....seriously packed as in you cant move at all. Anyway, for me I feel dancing makes me a lil stress-free. Although sometimes there can be a few nice eye-candies around....hehz.

You know, being independent is a very important trait I learned. I mean you cannot always be with your friends and sometimes even though life's a mess you still have to pick yourself up with or without any help/warmth/comfort from your loved ones. Ultimately you yourself is in control of everything. Eg: I could escape this world by ending my life, but the question is am I willing to do so? Do I want to? Its easy to say but action speaks louder than words. I have heard a few of my friends talking about ending their life. I think they just say it "in the heat of the moment" or maybe they just feel really shitty. But then again, why die when God created Life? Life, the most precious gift (asides from Love). Just think about people who are dying because of accidents./illness. They want to fight to live on but yet some of us just want to give life away. That's completely not logical if you ask me. Hmm....or maybe unless you will feel happier if you are gone? Well, not that I havent thought about dying before, it certainly have crossed my mind when life gets shitty. But those are just small issues. Dont sweat the small stuff right?

I feel that people should show more appreciation towards your loved ones. Taking each other for granted. Hmm...that is a very common saying but yet people still dont practice it....or maybe we dont realise that we are doing so. We should make more effort to care and show love through actions. Sometimes people say "You know I care for you right." Then the other will say "But I dont see it. You dont show appreciation. Why do I feel like you care for others more?" Sometimes when someone says "Its okay." Is it really OKAY? Or are they just brushing their feelings aside and not mentioning how they really feel? Its really ironic when someone does not treat you well BUT yet you treat them like your good friend. And yet those friends who treat you like they care about you,love you, are there for you when you need them, you dont show much affection towards them. I too hope I have never taken anyone for granted. But I always make sure that I always let my love ones know how much I cherish them. Even if it's just by sending small msgs. My best friend and I know that even though we dont contact that often, we know we love each other and that she will always be in my heart.

For my friends.

"Once we met,then we were it,now grown up,memories still in my mind,forever you said,I smiled and hugged,you hugged and smiled,forever I said,enemies we will never be."

Okie enough of that stuff. My mind is constantly thinking about stuff like that. About life, the unknown, spiritual stuff etc....I find it really fascinating. I am gonna buy this book soon. Actually there are sOoo many books I wanna get. I wish I could buy the entire section of the metaphysical section of books at borders. Heck! In all the bookstores. I love reading them. So so interesting. I wonder what colour is my aura. That is something I really wanna know.

Black Or White

Black or white
Does it matter?
Living in a world of many colors
Do you hear what I say?

Black or white
What is wrong with my color?
Tears run down smoothly on my skin
I try to fit in

Black or white
Hush now please
For I could hear my heart cracking
When you insult me

Black or white
Pinching my sensitive skin
It won't change
And the color still remains

Black or white
Like beautiful swans we all are
Why can't they see that?
We have a heart too

Black or white
Yellow or brown
Lower your pride
And let love begin

A little simple poem I wrote. Just something to think about. Racism.

dream a little dream of me

2005-01-03T19:33:00.000+08:00

I often get deja vu. I find dreams is actually our subconscious life happening. About a year ago, cant remember exactly when, I got into a dream state where I really felt trapped. Sort of like Lucid Dreaming. I was lying on my bed and I couldnt move my body. My eyes were open and I felt my back was being hit by something. In my dream I remember vaguely, I was walking somewhere near an old house. I saw a cupid hovering around. I think it was sort of an "evil" cupid? Cause suddenly I felt like arrows constantly being shot onto my back. I was awake in my room and I could feel the arrows on my back. I was aware of what was happening but I could not move and when I tried to call my sister for help, nothing came out of my mouth. My voice could not be projected. I was kind of afraid but I did not really know what was happening. This type of Lucid Dreaming occured more than once for me.

WHAT IS LUCID DREAMING?
Lucid dreaming means dreaming while knowing that you are dreaming. Lucidity usually begins in the midst of a dream when the dreamer realizes that the experience is not occurring in physical reality, but is a dream. Often this realization is triggered by the dreamer noticing some impossible or unlikely occurrence in the dream, such as flying or meeting the deceased. Sometimes people become lucid without noticing any particular clue in the dream; they just suddenly realize they are in a dream. A minority of lucid dreams (according to the research of LaBerge and colleagues, about 10 percent) are the result of returning to REM (dreaming) sleep directly from an awakening with unbroken reflective consciousness.
The basic definition of lucid dreaming requires nothing more than becoming aware that you are dreaming. However, the quality of lucidity can vary greatly. When lucidity is at a high level, you are aware that everything experienced in the dream is occurring in your mind, that there is no real danger, and that you are asleep in bed and will awaken shortly. With low-level lucidity you may be aware to a certain extent that you are dreaming, perhaps enough to fly or alter what you are doing, but not enough to realize that the people are dream representations, or that you can suffer no physical damage, or that you are actually in bed.

This is just a rough idea for you to know what Lucid Dreaming is.

I chopped a little of my hair two days ago. Goodness the guy did not listen to me. I told him to cut this way but then he cut that way. I look funny now. Argh. Am I that hard to listen to? Maybe I'm too nice? Sometimes I am so sick of being nice and all. What is the point of being nice when others dont appreciate it? I really hate those fucked up people who dont give a damn about others. Especially people who are crude and totally out of their freaking minds. I honestly sometimes have no patience for people like them. Oh well, GOD is LOVE. So I must love too. Hehz, talk about me complaining. I AM a complain queen honestly. Sometimes it's little things which annoys me. For instance if people bumps against you AT LEAST say "excuse me" or "sorry". I totally find it annoying when they bump against you and just walk past. Hopefully I have never done that before. Maybe I did but I would say "sorry" at least. Okie okie, maybe I'm just in one of my complain moods today. Sheesh.

Gonna get a cuppa tea now and get on with my script.

Quote of the moment
"life's too short to hate."

cherish

2005-01-03T01:33:00.000+08:00

Today was a not bad day. Hmm....aside from watching CNN and being sad cause of the Tsunami and all. Anyway, I met up with my best friend today. It has been a really long time since I met up with her. Miss her. I also met her new guy in her life. He's name is Kenny. He is a nice chap. So glad that she found someone who dotes on her. Although maybe they have their differences but then again you can never find someone perfectly perfect. Know what I mean? I updated her on my life and she updated me on her life. Honestly, I never met anyone close to perfection but if I had to choose one person, it would be my best friend. You could say I'm buyers but I dont care. When I met her, she gave me a roses. Sweet right? Only someone who really is so thoughtful and really close to you will do that just because. She says she thought she wanted to give me something to cheer me up. Hehz it sure did make me happier. Just going out with her makes me happy.

new year, new hopes

2005-01-01T23:30:00.000+08:00

Well, it's 2005. Really fast time passes. Just like you take a bite of a chocolate and it's gone. Hehz, I know it's a weird comparison but oh well.

I reached home this morning at about 5am. I went to boom boom room last night with my poly friends to just pass time and enjoy the countdown. It was a pleasant outing. Had fun. Been thinking lately about quite a few stuff. Yesterday we also went out to help cheer my friend up....she had just broke up with her boyfriend of about 2 yrs. On New Year's Eve....sad isnt it? What a way to spend the New Year right? But although she initiated it, it still isnt easy to accept and sometimes you cannot help feeling guilty and emotions just takes over you.

I myself feel really sad and guilty as well. You see, there is this really genuine and nice guy who fancies me. He does really sweet and thoughtful things for me. But somehow my feelings are just not growing for him. I told him the truth but he says he will not give up so easily. He is such a nice person that I feel bad for him. Worse is that I am a soft-hearted person, I just hope that he will find someone who really appreciates and reciprocates his feelings. I even tried to let myself feel for him but my heart was just somewhere else. You know that feeling?

2004 has been a difficult year for everyone. Especially with all the disasters. I really pray that 2005 will bring new hopes and new light to all those who suffered. After the Tsunami disaster, I thought of something when I heard someone say that "God is trying to show that those terrorist can kill hundreds but I (GOD) can kill thousands!" When I heard that, it can be quite true. With all the terrorist attacks and killings, maybe this Tsunami disaster is a way that nature (god's doing?) is trying to show something. Do you know what I mean? Dont get me wrong, I am a catholic and am faithful to him. Just trying to show how powerful and sad God is at all the killings and suffering that is taking place. In the end, the innocent also suffers. In one of the countries, almost 3/4 of the tribe were wiped out from the Tsunami. Saddening.

at the moment

2004-12-31T11:38:00.000+08:00

Right now, in 3D max class. Although I am listening to my lecturer but I dont really have a clue on what is really happening. Sheesh! Anyway, gonna meet my darling cousin for lunch later. Suppose he wants to tell me some sad stuff about his ex-girlfriend. Poor boy. Met an old friend at the cafeteria just now, asked how he was and he said "Bad....", asked him why and he explained that he is no longer together with his girlfriend. Two years of lovey dovey relationship has ended. Reason? I also dont really know why. Well, I guess not everything has a happy ending.

Anyway, it's New Year's Eve today. I dont really care about New Year's Eve but my friends asked me out so I just said "okie". I have nothing planned on anyway. Going to a barbeque with my friend and her ex-boyfriend's friends. Having my monthly cramps....wish I could take out my womb or something....hehz just kidding.

Quote of the moment
"smile. it can save someone's day."

astrology....trust it?

2004-12-31T01:23:00.000+08:00

SCORPIO WOMAN (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

A simple woman who always show what kind of a moods she is in. You can tell right way if she up set, or if she is flirting with you. She displays herself with her act much more than trying to say it for it's in her character.

A Scorpio woman has her own mysterious personality. She is confident and deep down inside she is quite proud of herself. She hates to think she is borne a woman and so limiting her with a certain social acceptable rules. She is a real woman and despite her innocent and childish looks, she has a spirit of free soul. Many men will make mistake if they think she is a good follower, they are wrong.

She thinks being a plain simple housewife is boring. She likes to have power and control over other people, but this will be only her secret, so you will only see a cute woman. Every things she does will look good, and she has all the woman's trick you can think of. She can manipulate men without they knowing it.

If you think she going to do everything you say because she loves you, then you will be disappointed. She could be a little tomboyish and she can understand you by just looking in your eyes. You may say sweet words which could sweep any woman, but not with the Scorpio woman. She will use her X-ray eyes reading your thought of what you just said or what you are going to say. She always smile and she can really hide her feeling.

She will constantly show you that she loves freedom. If she has freedom, she will not leave you, but will even love you more. If she wants something, she will do everything to get it. She has her own sixth sense of people and you can feel that energy feed back when you around her. She likes a man who can earn her respect, and she will also respect and feel proud of that man. A man with power over her should not threat or challenge her confident. She likes to have a good looking , strong and healthy man especially if she start to compare with her friends' boyfriends. It is a plus if he hold a degree or a good career.

She is a hot lady. She likes heavy music. She either loves or hates, there are no "fond of", or "like" for her. Love has no "may be", or "perhaps". If she is real mad, she will trash and throw things. Her wind storm can sweep all her dishes and you could get accidentally hit on your head for this matter. Be calm, it is just your grand mother favorite china for she has good quality as much as her bad tempered.

Sometimes she shows her weakness, but it won't be long. She will put herself together and back to be that hot chili again. If she loves you, it will be no matter what other people may say. Her relationship will be more important than what is right or wrong. Because of this reason, you may know some Scorpio woman become a second wife, a mistress.

She is spoil, but she allows her love one to over power her. Dating this woman, you should not keep old love letters in your pocket or in your house. It could be a love letter 2 years ago, but never mind she will argue about this since this is a big deal for a suspicious woman. Remember she has a temper of the shrew.

If you play a cold war with her, she will treat you likewise and double it. If you stood her up once, she will stood you up 2-3 times. She is quite fair in justice, so she can accept your apologies as much as she can pretend to accept things for now and wait for a pay back revenge in the future. If you are nice to hear, she will double that to you as well. A real fair woman.

She likes to make and spent money. She likes to have fame and reputations, and never let herself broke and have no name at the same time. She is too proud and will not accept status of being "Poor". She loves to have face, so if you are a manager with small salary, she will be proud more than more money being a truck driver. She hates to think and she can not stand a feeling of being a "Nobody".

If you like her, play a little hard to get. This will excite her a bit. When you go out on a date, set your schedule, but do not let she knows that you have planned this for weeks. Always go to pick her up on time or better to go 5-10 minutes early.

Interesting isn't it? Well, I can relate to most of it. I would say it got almost 80% right with me.

sizz feel

2004-12-29T23:47:00.000+08:00

It's 11.47 pm and I feel funny. A funny feeling in my stomach.Get rid of it.

I close my eyes

2004-12-29T22:22:00.000+08:00

These few days I have been rather sleepy and tired....must be the late night chats with my friends. Noticed recently been having a few munches on my comfort food - chocolate....yikes! Feeling guilty! I'm already like a cow and yet I am still snacking sometimes. Oh gawd....I need something to occupy my mind with. I dont usually snack alot but these few days have been doing so....sheesh. Anyway, I better stop all this unhealthy habits!

I managed to finish my 3D Toy Train today. It was rather alright cause we had step by step instructions....not much of a challenge I know. Anyway, today I was thinking about stuff and I felt something lacking in my life. Not sure what is it though. Could it be my lack of a social life with my close friends? Or could it be something else? One of my friend called my few nights ago. He called me saying how bored he was in camp and whether I remembered about our "promise". Well, it is a silly promise but when I was working at the pub with him, we promised each other that if we were still single when we reach the age of about 25 years, we would get married to each other. Hahaa....come back to think of it, it's really funny but a sweet thing I guess. Then he started saying how he used to like me and I did not take him seriously....stuff like that. Then he asked me whether I had any feelings for him before, I just kept quiet and said we are friends. I dont like being in this sort of situation....like being asked about my feelings etc....cause usually I would just say "I dont know" or just stay quiet like a cukoohead. I find men confusing. Sometimes I wish they could just get straight to the point or just be honest. One of my close guyfriend told me that guys will lie to you if they know the truth will hurt you. Maybe because of what he said I find it hard to believe guys even if they say that they are telling the truth. Or maybe I'm just buyers. You can think anything you want to. We talked alot that day. He also told me that some guys find me intimidating. I feel kinda funny but a little weird too. I mean honestly what is so intimidating about me? People also said that I have a bitchy face and attitude if I dont smile. I mean come on' what do you want me to do? Have a freaking smile on my face 24/7? Hahaaa but then again, they can think whatever they want as long as my friends and I know who I am. Other than that I dont really give a shit....or do I? Actually who am I kidding, I always say that I dont care but deep down I actually do care. When I hear something bad about myself I would think about it and try to change for the better that is.....?! Sometimes I feel I dont know who I am. One minute I'm feeling this way and another minute I feel another way. Guess I need to do some meditation....hehz....find out who I really am.

aBouT sCoRpIo
Scorpio is symbolized by the Scorpion. Intense and emotionally perceptive, you pick up on unspoken words and speak the language of gesture. Deep, mysterious and magnetically attractive, you yearn for emotional intimacy. If hurt, you really sting -- and you don't forgive easily!

True? Only you can judge for yourself.

dreamer unravelled

2004-12-28T21:21:00.000+08:00

I learn new things about myself everyday. Unravell new mysteries about myself. A Scorpio I am. Truely said. Today was a quiet day for me perhaps? Went to MPH to see some astrology books. The stuff I read was really quite accurate. About me a Scorpio that is. Been interested in all these Metaphysical Studies since I was about 14 yrs old....

Hmm....Found it strange when I received a sms from "Peanut". He asked me whether I was alright today as I seem rather lonely. Well sometimes I do feel lonely. Really lonely. But then again who dosent feel that way right? I have a handful of close friends whom I know will definately will be there for me in a blink of an eye. My emotions tested them just a few days ago when I was in one of my low points. I cried on Christmas Eve....pathetic I know. But they comforted me and really showed what I wanted to receive....Love and Warmth. I find myself being more independent as I journey through my life. It is great to have someone by your side but in reality you cannot have that. People always say that my mind is constantly filled with thoughts. I am not so sure about that but which person isnt thinking all the time? Even when you think that your mind is blank, subconsciously your mind is sure to be thinking of something.

subconscious - the part of your mind that has thoughts and feelings you do not know about; UNCONSCIOUS

Anyway, sometimes I feel a little irritated when a someone keeps on saying the same things to me. I know sometimes they mean well and they dont know that I dont really like it....but sometimes it comes to a point when the way they say it sounds a little sacarstic. Well maybe its me being too sensitive. I am known to be a sensitive person. Some of my friends think they know me, but sometimes I feel not many people really know me well. I mean besides from my close friends. Sometimes I feel like I am a romance poet in a nutshell. Yet sometimes I can feel like a crazed retard who dreams in a nuthshell. I have no idea what I mean but nevermind.

Dreamer unravelled

as in darkness,

like light.

as in rain,

like dirt.

as in corners,

like cats.

as in spiders,

like webs.

what is that dances in between the lights?

what is it that scrambles at night?

what is it she weaves,

the unraveller of night and dreams?

what does she see?

as in notebooks,

like words.

as in beads,

like yarn.

as in corners,

like cats.

as in spiders,

like webs.

patterns like night

frayed dreams

what do you see?

what do you see,

in mine?

what does she see?

- Poem by Syed Sana Rahman

I really like this poem alot. It is also being made into a song sung by Vanessa Fernandez. It's pure beauty. Well I'm feeling a little spiritual now....hehz....maybe I shall go and get in touch with my intuitive side.

harder to say

2004-12-27T21:15:00.000+08:00

Emy just called....wow it's been a real long time since I've seen her. She's one of my close friend whom I can get along well with. She is currently working at somewhere in east coast (some cafe). She used to work at Clarke Quay "One Night Stand". She quit that job though cause of all the politics and stuff. Sigh....politics schomolitics! I used to work at "Molly Malones" at Boat Quay. It is a nice place to work at. However, mum asked me to stop working till I'm free enough to work and my school work is not disrupted etc....anyway, Emy and I have it made a point to meet up at least once a month since now she has every Monday and Thursday off. Same as me! I have no school on every Monday and Thursday.

Anyway, yesterday and today my grand aunt came over. I love my grand aunt. Her name is Christine but we call her Aunty Kitty. Kitty is her nickname since god knows when! Anyway, I was really annoyed at my dad yesterday. Aunty Kitty always comes to visit every weekend. She used to stay with us but now she stays in home for the aged....something like that. It is not that bad as it sounds. Anyway, when she comes over, she always sits down on the place where my dad usually sits. Thats when I got annoyed with HIM. When Aunty Kitty said it was time to go home, she got up and said bye to us. And HE said something like "finally can sit down. waiting for her to go....". I never really dared to talk back to my dad in my whole 19 yrs of life. Only dared to have a small argue. I just told him like "why is he saying this....Aunty Kitty didnt do anything wrong" and I told him if next time he wants to sit down on the couch just let me know and I would give up my seat for him. I mean goodness....is it that hard not sit on the couch for a while?! I dont know whether you understand but it's not the first time. When Aunty Kitty says "Bye" to HIM. HE justs says bye without even looking up at my aunt! It may sound like a small thing but it's little things he does which sometimes really irks me so much. Sometimes I just wish that he would just do nothing or be invisible. When HE is not around, the family is much more peaceful. Honestly. BUT of course, I am THANKFUL and GRATEFUL for a dad. I dont want anyone to get me wrong. Just that sometimes I have to express how I feel or maybe I am just a complain queen....? Well, whatever the case is, like people say "he IS your dad after all".

Sigh, Christmas is almost over. They said 12 days of Christmas huh....feels too fast. But then again, feels no different. I feel really bad. Serious. Never attended mass. Tell me I'm not bad. Sometimes I feel so guilty. I dont know why?